Larry David
I don't like to make a big splash anyway.
I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.
I don't have many friends.
OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.
I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.
I believe in something.
Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.
Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
I'm anti-cheese in a salad.
I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.
My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfiedCollection: Party
Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.Collection: Order
Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.Collection: Girlfriend
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.Collection: People
Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.Collection: Enthusiasm
A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being aloneCollection: Appreciate
I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.Collection: Thieves
I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.Collection: Trying
I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind.Collection: Fun
Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?Collection: Jobs
Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?Collection: Men
Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf courseCollection: Witty
Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.Collection: Interesting
Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.Collection: Laughing
I got a Swede lawyer?!? She's gonna get everything!Collection: Lawyer
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, "Man Gets Married!"Collection: Men
You know, when you do standup there are certain requirements that you have to do like you have to go on stage and when you get introduced you have to say "Hey,how ya doin'? How are ya?" I couldn't do it. It was false.Collection: Hey
I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.Collection: Running
Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.Collection: Love
Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.Collection: Sex
A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.Collection: Mother
I'm a jerk, that's who I am. I'm like everybody else.Collection: Who I Am
Luck always plays a part for everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. I was very lucky, and I know it.Collection: Play
I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.Collection: Talking
I find human contact repulsive.Collection: Contact
I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.Collection: Money
I need to be on drugs to connect with nature.Collection: Drug
The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.Collection: Sex
I once stopped to pick up a girl, and then there was this creepy-looking guy standing behind the bushes waiting to jump out and get in, too. So I just quickly drove away.Collection: Girl
I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.Collection: Soul
I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello.Collection: Bars
I think Michael Moore is a hero. I love him.Collection: Hero
I'd like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.Collection: Firsts