Larry David
I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.Collection: War
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.Collection: Funny
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.Collection: Truth
Golf and dating don't mix.Collection: Dating
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.Collection: Relationship
Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.Collection: Religion
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'Collection: Funny
The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.Collection: Food
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
I am not honest.
I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.
When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.
I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.
I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.
I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.
I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.
I can't stand reading anything that I've said.
Most people think I'm immodest.
I'm a walking, talking enigma.
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!
I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.
All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.
I'm cranky.
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.
Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.
My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
Drugs scared me.
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.