Judy Tenuta
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."Collection: Success
What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.Collection: Men
Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.Collection: Friendship
Love Goddess in training. It could happen.Collection: Training
I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.Collection: Philosophy
You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.Collection: Real
I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.Collection: Italian
I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.Collection: Littles
How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?Collection: Suicide
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"Collection: Memorable
I am a morning person...I love waking up, walking & reveling In the beauty of all the flowers and trees....while chugging a 5th of vodka!!! It could happen.Collection: Morning
I was born a Love Goddess. My parents, Caesar and Joanne, always told me that I was a little Goddess and Petite Flower. I was a Petite Flower, and I had all these brothers who were always trying to boss me around. I told them, "No. You must kiss my hand or kiss my feet". That's how I became the Goddess.Collection: Brother
I was nominated for two Grammy's, but ... more importantly, I like it when I get a letter from someone ... a person that I've affected their lives or I've helped them. That's important to me. Someone will say "I was feeling bad and you helped me".Collection: Two
Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.Collection: Sorry
My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!Collection: Eye
I would just go insane in a public school. I don't have enough clothes.You have to be Heidi Klum to go to public school now. It's crazy. I feel sorry for these kids, not to mention that the new Secretary Of Education, Betsy DeVos, is against education.Collection: Sorry
I think it might be harder for a young comic because there's so much more competition. There's more people trying to do it and there are less rooms. Seriously. The way people do anything now is by getting press - some scandal. It's awful. Somebody has to go on a rooftop with a rifle and they get their own sitcom. It's disgusting.Collection: Thinking
I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.Collection: Healing
I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables and limbs at each other. Yeah, I guess I need to take off my artificial leg and throw it at Vanderpump. I like doing live shows - it's just getting to them that's a hassle.Doing films is fun too ... a good film ... but there's a lot of waiting around.Collection: Fun
I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.Collection: Husband
You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.Collection: Kissing