Jen Kirkman
My brain does like the idea of hosting a late-night show. My brain does like the idea of maybe having a show about me. So, I often pitch ideas and work on scripts and do that just because I may not be right about how I feel, so why not just do this, and if it happens and I got my own show, well maybe I would really end up falling in love with it.Collection: Falling In Love
I want to be one of those cool people that's like, "What is Twitter?" and just be totally blind to it.Collection: People
What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.Collection: Believe
I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, "This is the best way for people to find out about me.Collection: People
Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.Collection: Jobs
[Twitter] certainly doesn't hurt me. I'm not in any pain over any of the things I see. I'm just more disappointed.Collection: Hurt
I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.Collection: Tired
The whole notion that I don't appeal to the demographic - all my fans are young men. Someone asked me the other day, "So are your shows just full of 40-year-old single women?" I'm like, "I would be rich if that were true."Collection: Men
If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would do. That way, I could do less shows a year.Collection: Years
If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.Collection: Crazy
I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.Collection: Ideas
I'm really ambitious about is being a really good comic and doing it for the rest of my life and getting really big. Not really famous because I want fame or attention, just a little freedom. So, that's where I'm ambitious.Collection: Ambitious
I don't like to joke about dating.Collection: Dating
It's like, "Women can't handle things because they're always sad. That's estrogen." Men brag about testosterone, which makes them completely out of control too. On the other end of things, it's like, "Oh it was just testosterone. He got in a bar fight." Why is that better than crying at work?Collection: Fighting
I'm really big on hormones.Collection: Bigs
I'm sure kids had masturbated by sixth grade. I had for sure.Collection: Kids
It [sex-ed] was such a slow rollout for me. I just didn't know what the hell was happening.Collection: Sex
God, there's teaching biology and teaching sexuality, and it's two separate things. They mix it and make it more of a morality thing where it's like, "A man and woman have a baby."Collection: Baby
My curriculum would be the whole year. It would be really slow and it would be about human anatomy. I would teach people about women's bodies so they understand what Planned Parenthood is for.Collection: Years
Not everyone is there to get an abortion. Your body is like a car that has needs and women's bodies constantly need a level of care that men don't.Collection: Men
I'd also talk about the period and of course all the different gender things that people might feel that they are. I'd be a terrible teacher because of what I don't know about that.Collection: Teacher
I'm the queen of outside speakers.Collection: Queens
You teach someone about fallopian tubes in grade school, and you revisit it again in seventh grade for a better understanding of that stuff. I think it's never-ending. I don't know why it isn't all the time.Collection: School
I don't even think people really understand how you can get pregnant or when you get pregnant. I still have questions about that.Collection: Thinking
My rule is if one person says it, a thousand people want to say it. That goes for compliments too. I try to balance it out in my head.Collection: People
Sometimes I look [ on trolls on Twitter], but even one ignorant comment can make me go, "Oh god."Collection: Ignorant
I put my filter on, though, and I only see things people I follow [on Twitter] write now. So, I don't even know anymore [ trolls].Collection: Writing
For me, making any kind of resolution or saying, "I'm doing this!" can only cause pain, to get very deep.Collection: Pain
I don't run around feeling infused with positivity, but I'll have to be taking my last breath before I'll admit I'm dying. So I'm either optimistic or in denial.Collection: Running
I think March and fall are natural seasons for me to feel invigorated.Collection: Fall
I'm still hibernating so I get really frustrated with other people's goals and just stop.Collection: People
Even if it's L.A. and it's warmer, we're not supposed to be revving up right now. I don't like everyone's energy around [winter] time of year.Collection: Winter
[The first] week [of the year] is great because my special is coming out but it's also my least favorite week because everyone else is on hyperdrive. They're like, "Let's do it! We're doing our goals!" Everyone is bothering me and there's so much hyper-intensity going on and I'm like, "It's winter, you guys. It's hibernating time."Collection: Winter
I did buy a new piece of furniture so it's like, "Oh, that's something new." But generally my goals are made in the fall.Collection: Fall
My birthday is in August - right before September, so I have that "back to school" feeling ingrained in me so that time of year is when I usually do personal goals or resolutions.Collection: School
I made a career goals list for 2017 and it's so funny. I have low self-esteem or something, so I put both wishes and goals. The goals were things I'm going to do anyway, because I have no choice because my job is to do stand-up comedy so I have to tour and I have to write stuff. The wishes were all things that could be goals. As in, I bet people who have achieved these things called them goals at one point. But I haven't looked at that piece of paper since.Collection: Jobs
Not that that's my goal, but when you're very wealthy and very famous, you can have a lot more decisions in what you do. You have a lot more opportunity. You can maybe even not work for a few years. It puts you in a great position to make some decisions. You're not always taking every job that comes and that kind of thing.Collection: Jobs
I think that, for me, my favorite thing to do is perform standup onstage. Everything else I do is for the exposure to do more stand-up onstage, and for the money, and for the health insurance.Collection: Thinking
I don't think people are really breaking ground and getting new fans or anything. So, I just use it more in my personal life but obviously I'm in a business where people think that Twitter matters so I'll be like, "Yes, I will tweet out this show." But it is something that me, the human, uses.Collection: Thinking
I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed.Collection: Mother
I don't have any jokes about my divorce or my ex-husband, who is a lovely person. It really is about how I was an idiot trying to push this guy to get married when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to.Collection: Husband
I realized that even I have weird intimacy issues with humans - like, I need my friendships to get deeper, I need to be locked in, I need to remember people's names. I know this sounds really stupid, but I just need to be more present in my life.Collection: Stupid
[Twitter] is not totally where I go anymore to sell myself as a concept, as a comedian, because it moves too fast.Collection: Moving
I think people with anxiety do different things during different years, and for me, I waded through my anxiety during the last two years with men, and flirting, and dating, and this thing and that thing, and so that's going to stop, and that has stopped.Collection: Thinking
Whatever my life looks like, I want it to be real and big and full. I want when, if I get hit by a car, I want to know that I have deep and real friendships, people to visit me in the hospital.Collection: Real
I have some pretty wonderful friendships, so that's been really good for me. In the past year, I've really worked on that. I think when I was married, I let my friendships go. I think people thought, "Oh, because she's married now, she's so happy all the time." But I really was just isolated in my house.Collection: Past
I stay on [Twitter] as Jen Kirkman, a person. It's just a way for me to connect with what I know and read everything and catch all areas.Collection: Way
I have no interest in saying "This is who I am! This is what I'm like!"Collection: Who I Am
I don't know if I don't believe in monogamy. I think I do believe in it depending on the person or situation or something.Collection: Believe