Jen Kirkman
Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.Collection: Romantic
I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.Collection: Humor
I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.
I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.
What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.
I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.
I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously.
At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.
We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'
By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.
I'm not a big fan of young people.
Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.
The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.
Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.
Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.
Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip.
Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!
I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.
I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.
Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.
I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.
As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids.
Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.
Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.
I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.'
Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.
Parents talk a lot about how much strength and dedication it takes to raise a child. I think it also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn't seem normal to anyone else.
The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.
Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.
Eventually I'm going to be too old to be on camera, and I've been doing stand-up a long time.
If I write a joke, sometimes people will call it a 'lie,' and I'm fascinated with that.
I want to travel the world and enjoy things, so if you gave me $50 million and said, 'You can never perform again,' I probably would take it and be fine with it.
I love being on the road, but to make a living as a road comic, you have to be on it most weeks out of the year. That's just too much for me. But I would love to be such a successful road comic that I don't have to go on it every week.
I just remember a creepy sex-ed teacher putting a banana on a condom and then saying, "It goes in the girl if she gets all juicy." We didn't even believe it. We were like, "Well, that's weird."Collection: Girl
There have been many times in my life where I got opportunities that I never thought would be the things that I needed, so I'm always saying, "I want to do this but whatever the universe thinks is right, I'm open." Because otherwise it causes me so much pain if I don't get what I want. It's my least favorite thing.Collection: Pain
People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags."Collection: Regret
In terms of what happened to Amy [Schumer], if that happened to me I would be like, "Yes, please leave." But I toured a lot. I started as an opening feature act touring a lot during the [George W.] Bush years, like around 2007. I was touring during the [Barack] Obama election - the first one with [Sarah] Palin and [John] McCain - and I talked to crowds about that and they were always split down the middle.Collection: Years
I finally understand that it’s okay to be a little afraid of things but that obsessing over them does not mean you have any more control over what you fear.Collection: Mean
I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to have kids. I'm doing what I want to do and people who want kids are doing what they want to do. What about this scenario makes me selfish?Collection: Selfish
They asked us to draw pictures of what we thought men and women look like naked and so I was like, "Get away, I'm doing my weird homework, drawing a naked man and woman." And I can't even draw. That's all I remember. I have no memory.Collection: Memories
I always try to be open to whatever the universe wants from me.Collection: Trying
Let's say I was like, "I'm going to write a book this year," which I'm not. Let's just say that was it. Then it would be for the joy of writing it. It wouldn't be like, "And it's going to be No. 1 and I'm going to get rich and go on a book tour and own a library." I don't know the difference between doing what I normally do and making a resolution. And if it doesn't happen, then I'm going to be miserable.Collection: Book
I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.Collection: Population
I have a new rule where I only follow fashion people on Instagram.Collection: Fashion
I find it actually the height of romance to legally bind yourself to someone because you're really taking care of someone, and letting them take care of you. I actually have no cynicism about that.Collection: Romance