Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.Collection: Drinking
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.Collection: Political
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.Collection: Different
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"Collection: Funny
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'Collection: Funny
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.Collection: Sarcastic
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.Collection: God
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.Collection: Funny
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.Collection: Men
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.Collection: Golf
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.Collection: Funny Marriage
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"Collection: Funny
I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'Collection: Two
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.Collection: Men
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."Collection: Lakes
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."Collection: Funny
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!Collection: Men
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?Collection: Funny
If I had blood, I'd blush.Collection: Funny
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.Collection: Funny
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."Collection: Funny
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."Collection: Funny
I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?Collection: Believe
I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.Collection: Funny
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...Collection: Funny
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"Collection: Funny
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"Collection: Funny
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?Collection: Men
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.Collection: Funny
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'Collection: Funny
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.Collection: Funny
This man dresses like an unmade bed.Collection: Funny
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.Collection: Christmas
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.Collection: Funny
We aim to please... You aim too, please.Collection: God
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.Collection: Sex
What is a home without children? Quiet.Collection: Baby
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"Collection: Funny
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.Collection: Funny
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"Collection: Funny
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!Collection: Funny
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?Collection: Funny
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.Collection: Funny
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"Collection: Sports
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."Collection: Funny
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!Collection: Funny
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?Collection: Funny
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.Collection: Funny
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.Collection: Girl