Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.Collection: Sea
Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.Collection: Marrying
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."Collection: Funny
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.Collection: Funny
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"Collection: Funny
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?Collection: Funny
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.Collection: Suicide
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.Collection: Funny
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.Collection: Funny
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.Collection: Funny
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.Collection: Needs
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.Collection: Years
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!Collection: Beach
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!Collection: Football
My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.Collection: Education
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife didCollection: Funny
My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.Collection: Weight Loss
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"Collection: Funny
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.Collection: Funny
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"Collection: Funny
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.Collection: Funny
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.Collection: Cutting
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.Collection: Brother
I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.Collection: Wife
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"Collection: Funny
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.Collection: Inspirational
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.Collection: Beautiful
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!Collection: Funny
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.Collection: I Love You
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"Collection: Funny
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".Collection: Funny
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!Collection: Funny
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"Collection: Funny
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.Collection: Wife
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."Collection: Giving
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.Collection: Mother
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!Collection: Alaska
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.Collection: Sorry
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"Collection: Funny
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.Collection: Funny
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.Collection: Children
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.Collection: Funny
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.Collection: Funny
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"Collection: Funny
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."Collection: Funny
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.Collection: House
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.Collection: Killing
On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?Collection: Girl
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!Collection: Funny