George Burns
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'Collection: Funny
Life's but a day at most.Collection: Life
Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.Collection: Happiness
As long as you're working, you stay young.Collection: Work
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.Collection: Funny
Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.Collection: Wrinkles
When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.Collection: Horse
A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.Collection: Men
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.Collection: Country
When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.Collection: Kids
I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.Collection: Laughing
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.Collection: Love
Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.Collection: Funny
Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.Collection: Humorous
At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.Collection: Friday
She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.Collection: Funny
I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.Collection: School
Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.Collection: Funny
Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.Collection: Business
Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one leftCollection: Retirement
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.Collection: Men
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.Collection: Evil
My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.Collection: Play
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.Collection: Funny
I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.Collection: Witty
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.Collection: Funny
What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.Collection: Once Upon A Time
I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.Collection: Fall
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.Collection: Funny
When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.Collection: Art
I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.Collection: Coffee
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.Collection: Funny
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.Collection: Lunch
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.Collection: Party
Say Goodnight Gracie.Collection: Saying Goodnight
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.Collection: Years
I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.Collection: I Like You
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.Collection: Drinking
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.Collection: Funny
If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.Collection: Sleep
Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.Collection: Wise
Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!Collection: Sex
I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.Collection: Funny
I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.Collection: Feel Better
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.Collection: Inspiring
There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.Collection: Light
I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.Collection: Jogging
Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.Collection: Shoes
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.Collection: Relationship