George Burns
Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.Collection: Falling In Love
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.Collection: People
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.Collection: Funny
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.Collection: Funny
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.Collection: Age
I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.Collection: Inspirational
I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.Collection: Being Thankful
Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.Collection: Men
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.Collection: Thinking
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.Collection: Believe
The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.Collection: Truth
Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .Collection: Funny
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.Collection: Funny
When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.Collection: Vegas
Young. Old. Just Words.Collection: Age
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.Collection: Strong
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.Collection: Funny
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.Collection: Funny
A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.Collection: Marriage
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.Collection: Honesty
My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.Collection: Falling In Love
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.Collection: Men
I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.Collection: Funny
If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.Collection: Girl
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.Collection: Laughing
When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.Collection: Age
The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.Collection: Retirement
People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.Collection: Long
People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.Collection: Senior
I get a standing ovation just standingCollection: Inspiration
Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.Collection: Funny
By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.Collection: People
When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.Collection: Funny
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.Collection: Men
It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.Collection: Motivational
This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.Collection: Years
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.Collection: Funny
If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.Collection: Long
How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.Collection: Funny
In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.Collection: Thinking
Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.Collection: Happiness
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.Collection: Success
I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.Collection: Shows
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.Collection: Funny
Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.Collection: Caring
I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.Collection: Song
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.Collection: Humor
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I’m older than most western countries.Collection: Country
If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I’d sleep with it.Collection: Firsts