Erma Bombeck
not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.Collection: Animal
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'Collection: Mother
I lost everything in the post-natal depression.Collection: Christmas
Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.Collection: Ugly
We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)Collection: Funny
My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.Collection: Jobs
There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'.Collection: Love
You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.Collection: Children
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"Collection: Baby
A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.Collection: Grandparent
Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.Collection: Mother
The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?Collection: Crazy
My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'Collection: Food
My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.Collection: Sister
If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.Collection: Years
Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come.Collection: Children
If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.Collection: Naked
My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.Collection: Daughter
I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.Collection: Mother
There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.Collection: Children
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.Collection: Funny
I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.Collection: Sports
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.Collection: Funny
With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.Collection: Girl
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.Collection: Funny
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.Collection: Humorous
Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.Collection: Climbing
When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.Collection: Orthodox
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.Collection: Country
Laugh now, cry later.Collection: Laughter
In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale.Collection: Meaningful
Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.Collection: Ifs And
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.Collection: Children
Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation’s compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.Collection: 4th Of July
Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there...Collection: Real
Families aren’t easy to join. They’re like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.Collection: Country
Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, “In Case of Fire, Throw This in First.” I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.Collection: Book
A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.Collection: Fun
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.Collection: Book
There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.Collection: Fun