David Spade
As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.Collection: Boys
Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!Collection: School
I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.Collection: Dad
It's good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you're doing something. You got the crowd right there. That's all fun.Collection: Fun
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, "That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible."Collection: Success
When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.Collection: Tomorrow
I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.Collection: Kids
Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.Collection: Quality
Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.Collection: Country
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?Collection: Jobs
With Saturday Night Live you're looking for any hook, any way to stay on the show.Collection: Night
My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.Collection: School
I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.Collection: Fun
I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.Collection: Fun
I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.Collection: Wish
Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.Collection: Opportunity
Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!Collection: Summer
Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.Collection: Elements
MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.Collection: Cat
I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.Collection: Laughing
I changed my act because I wasn't getting booked.Collection: Changed
I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.Collection: Beautiful
I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.Collection: Stars
A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.Collection: New York
It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.Collection: Mom
There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.Collection: Couple
People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.Collection: Stuff I Like
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.Collection: Sunday
I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.Collection: Rocks
My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.Collection: Brother
It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.Collection: Careers