David Spade
To be famous and broke is hard.Collection: Famous
It's funny because it's funny.Collection: Funny
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.
I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
I have no detectable hair style.
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
My career is just kind of crazy.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
It's hard to have a career.
Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
I never dated much in high school or college.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
Single guys get a bad rap.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he's good.Collection: Names
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.Collection: Rude
You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!Collection: Dad
Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city's. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.Collection: Eye
I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.Collection: Real
My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.Collection: Nerd
Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?Collection: Who Cares
I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you!Collection: Cute
Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.Collection: Sides
It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.Collection: Fun
If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.Collection: Interesting
I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I'm old, and my friends all have kids. And I'm single, still blow drying my hair!Collection: Kids
Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.Collection: Sexy
I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.Collection: Thinking
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.Collection: Real
It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.Collection: People
The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, "Hey, did I leave a penny over there?"Collection: Girl
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.Collection: Littles
It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.Collection: Fun
When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.Collection: Stories