Daniel Handler
As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...]Collection: Mean
For obvious reasons, I never told you about my notebook, with a cover as green as mansions long ago, which I use as a commonplace book, a phrase which here means 'place where I have collected passages from some of the most important books I have read.Collection: Notebook
Every night I give a violin recital for six hours, and attendance is mandatory. The word 'mandatory' means that if you don't show up, you have to buy me a large bag of candy and watch me eat it.Collection: Mean
Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged sword Kit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)Collection: Two
Blinded following the BlindfoldedCollection: Following
Your initial opinion on just about anything may change over time.Collection: First Impression
In love, as in life, one misheard word can be tremendously important. If you tell someone you love them, for instance, you must be absolutely certain that they have replied "I love you back" and not "I love your back" before you continue the conversation.Collection: Love You
What do your parents know, about surviving?Collection: Parent
It is almost as if happiness is an acquired taste, like coconut cordial or ceviche, to which you can eventually become accustomed, but despair is something surprising each time you encounter it.Collection: Happiness
Figuratively, they escaped from Cout Olaf and their miserable existence. They did not literally escape, because they were still in his house and vulnerable to Olaf's evil in loco parentis ways.Collection: Evil
This toast feels raw. Is it safe to eat raw toast?Collection: Safe
Hal is on his way." The nurse announced reentering the room.Collection: Nurse
There are many, many types of books in the world, which makes good sense, because there are many, many types of people, and everybody wants to read something different.Collection: Book
How can someone so wonderful do something so terrible?Collection: Wonderful
Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it.Collection: Grief
You may want to keep a commonplace book which is a notebook where you can copy parts of books you think are in code, or take notes on a series of events you may have observed that are suspicious, unfortunate, or very dull. Keep your commonplace book in a safe place, such as underneath your bed, or at a nearby dairy.Collection: Notebook
There are almost as many kinds of libraries as there are kinds of readers.Collection: Library
But there was more, as there always is when the love goes. She was haunted, naturally. Otherwise what is the point, why leave your rickety house, and why this yo-yo world giving us things and yanking them back?Collection: Giving
Anyone who knew Violet well could tell she was thinking hard, because her long hair was tied up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes. Violet had a real knack for inventing and building strange devices, so her brain was often filled with images of pulleys, levers, and gears, and she never wanted to be distracted by something as trivial as her hair.Collection: Real
Beef. Yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted.Collection: Beef
I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.Collection: Heartbroken
If you enjoy books with happy endings than you are better off reading some other book.Collection: Book
You can't believe everything you read.Collection: Believe
If you know somebody very well, like your grandmother or your baby sister, you will know when they are real and when they are fake.Collection: Baby
Accidents happen all the time.Collection: Accidents Happen
I write storys to entertain not to be the bestCollection: Writing
For Beatrice- My love for you shall live forever. You, however, did not.Collection: Forever
I’m not a cuckoo, either. I’m a fool is what.Collection: Cuckoos
The file clanked against me, my stupid idea nobody would have gotten had I ever done it. You even wouldn't have gotten it, Ed, I thought, watching her go. It's why we broke up, so here it is. Ed, how could you?Collection: Stupid
There is a pair of snakes who have learned to drive a car so recklessly that they would run you over in the street and never stop to apologize.Collection: Running
The movie was kickass, which was appropriate, because tonight it was called Kickass: The Movie.Collection: Tonight
Waiting is one of life's hardships. It is hard enough to wait for chocolate cream pie while burnt roast beef is still on your plate. It is plenty difficult to wait for Halloween when the tedious month of September is still ahead of you. But to wait for one's adopted uncle to come home while a greedy and violent man is upstairs was one of the worst waits the Baudelaires had ever experienced.Collection: Uncles
It was a curious feeling, that something could be so close and so distant at the same time.Collection: Feelings
Fetching objects for people who are too lazy to fetch them for themselves is never a pleasant task, particularly when the people are insulting you.Collection: People
Chestnuts in stuffing tastes like someone chewed up a tree branch and then French-kissed it into your mouth.Collection: Tree
Klaus sighed, and opened a book, and as at so many other times when the middle Baudelaire child did not want to think about his circumstances, he began to read.Collection: Children
It looked exhausting and pointless, two things that should be avoided at all costsCollection: Two
Sometimes words are not enough. There are some circumstances so utterly wretched that I cannot describe them in sentences or paragraphs or even a whole series of books.Collection: Book
Composer” is a word which here means “a person who sits in a room, muttering and humming and figuring out what notes the orchestra is going to play.” This is called composing. But last night, the Composer was not muttering. He was not humming. He was not moving, or even breathing. This is called decomposing.Collection: Moving
Sometimes the things you’ve lost can be found again in unexpected places.Collection: Unexpected
The expression 'Those who can't do, teach' is a curious one, because if you look at the world , you'll see that teachers aren't particularly worse at doing things than anyone else, so perhaps the expression might be better worded as 'nobody can do anythingCollection: Teacher
Everyone on earth would never starve and forever find love and happiness, since we won, but if we’d lost, they would have gouged out our eyes and thrown us naked onto hot coals and poisonous snakes for all the cheering and hugging at the end, strangers hugging like the end of The Omega Virus when Steve Sturmine finds the antidote.Collection: Cheer
I liked, I admit, that we didn’t pretend there hadn’t been other girls. There was always a girl on you in the halls at school, like they came free with a backpack.Collection: Girl
Stop saying no offense,” I said, “when you say offensive things. It’s not a free pass.Collection: Saying No
There are two types of panicking: standing still and not saying a word, and leaping all over the place babbling anything that comes into your head.Collection: Two
Maybe, generations ago, young people rebelled out of some clear motive, but now, we know we're rebelling. Between teen movies and sex-ed textbooks we're so ready for our rebellious phase we can't help but feel it's safe, contained. It will turn out all right, despite the risk, snug in the shell of rebellion narrative. Rebellion narrative, does that make sense? It was appropriate to do, so we did it.Collection: Sex
It is terribly rude to tell people that their troubles are boring.Collection: Sympathy
The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught.Collection: Keys
Desperate times call for desperate measures" is an aphorism which here means "sometimes you need to change your facial expression in order to create a workable disguise." The quoting of an aphorism, such as "It takes a village to raise a child," "No news is good news," and "Love conquers all," rarely indicates that something helpful is about to happen, which is why we provide our volunteers with a disguise kit in addition to helpful phrases of advice.Collection: Love