Billy Crystal
You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they're raising them. You can't push your way into areas where you shouldn't be saying anything. You have to always remember they're not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death - then hand them back.
Kids need a happy household. They need to be loved and supported in their dreams. And I don't think you can make your kids' dreams your own. They need you to support them in their dreams.
I was a film-directing major at NYU. I'm still not sure why I became a directing major, when I was really an actor and a comedian, but there was something that drew me to doing that.
I never worry that I'll die in my sleep, because I'm never asleep!
I'm going to go on just living and laughing and loving.
My mind is always going. I'm always thinking what I need to do, what I haven't done, what I did do, what I didn't do as well as I could - I'm relentless that way with myself.
In my standup work, I always do these characters, older people who are just off to the side. It's easier to write a story about the guy who made it to the top, but the middle is so much more interesting, so much more murky.
My dad, Jack, had a great sense of humour and had a strong impact on me and my humour.
I didn't rebel as a child. I missed that angry teenager thing.
Muhammad Ali struck us in the middle of America's darkest night, in the heart of its most threatening gathering storm. His power toppled the mightiest of foes, and his intense light shined on America, and we were able to see clearly injustice, inequality, poverty, pride, self realization, courage, laughter, love, joy and religious freedom for all.
In the late 1960s, I was working as an usher for the New York stage production of 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.'
Believe me, happiness is not ticking off Walter Cronkite.
'Parental Guidance' combines comedy and pathos in the best way.
It is great seeing the fruits of your labor. The joy I have in watching my daughters with their kids is great, because they're doing a wonderful job, and the kids are fantastic.
My dad had two, sometimes three jobs. Besides running the Commodore Music Shop in Manhattan, he did jazz concerts, and he ran this great jazz label, Commodore.
I could always improvise. Some of my teachers remember me standing in front of the class with a flower on my head, talking about photosynthesis. I'd stop and say, 'Is this working for any of you?' The kids were like, 'What is he doing?'
To me, little Mike Wazowski is one of the best characters I ever got to play because he was funny. He was outrageous. He got angry. He was romantic. He was a full, well-rounded character.
When I'm not thrilled, I get funny.
Whatever it is that's bothering me - interacting with annoying guy at a restaurant, contemplating my age, or losing friends to illness - I'll start to chip away at it. If you can poke holes in it, it's not as formidable; it's not as scary, and ultimately, it becomes another truth.
The death of Sid Caesar on Wednesday caused a chain reaction in my soon-to-be-66-year-old mind. I was saddened, of course, but felt a sense of relief that he was at last free from the indignity of aging.
I love Mickey Mantle. Would I have felt the same if I had known when I was eight years old what I know now?
Can you imagine if Babe Ruth had had Twitter?
What passes for sports coverage is terribly sycophantic.
I can always say I led off for the New York Yankees. It's an amazing feeling.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.Collection: Inspirational
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.Collection: Sexy
In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.Collection: Football
Nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.Collection: World
Consider the rose...The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its placeCollection: Beautiful
It's money. I remember it from when I was singleCollection: Funny
For almost 40 years, he was the brightest star in the comedy galaxy... Their beautiful light will continue to shine on us forever. And the glow will be so bright, it'll warm your heart, it'll make your eyes glisten, and it'll make you think to yourselves: Robin Williams, what a concept.Collection: Beautiful
I don't like heights. This is why I stopped growing at fifth grade.Collection: Growing
You give up your dream, you give up.Collection: Dream
I've always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety. That's why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it's how we connect, it reminds us we're alive, it's the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.Collection: Sex
Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck's puff pastries.Collection: News
Gentlemen, start your egos!Collection: Ego
Did you ever reach a point in your life, where you say to yourself, 'This is the best I'm ever going to look, the best I'm ever going to feel, the best I'm ever going to do,' and it ain't that great?Collection: Looks
Great news! Hosting Oscars counts five hours toward my community service!Collection: Community
If you do something for the first time, you will always remember it. If your Dad has something to do with it, you write about it.Collection: Respect
When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable.Collection: Want
When comedy is good, it's jazz. The beats of it, the looseness, the improvisational part, the music-the way you hit the inflection, the high notes of a joke. It's all melody to me.Collection: Art
I think when I feel I'm at my best is when I'm on stage, and it's my version of jazz because it's just riffing or something.Collection: Thinking
Don't give up your power.Collection: Giving Up
I'm married - I've caught my limit.Collection: Limits
The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.Collection: Brother
Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.Collection: Differences
I love doing it [hosting the Oscars] because I love the danger of it and you have to come through and think on your feet. That's why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.Collection: Thinking
Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.Collection: Jesus
This time I particularly loved because it came from a real experience with my grandchildren. Having them alone alone for the first time for six or seven days and going "Wow, this is exhausting," because when you're not around little ones for a long time, you forget about how much work that is. So I came in and started writing the story that became this movie ['PARENTAL GUIDANCE'].Collection: Real