Art Buchwald
Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.Collection: Writing
I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.Collection: Wine
On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.Collection: Morning
I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.Collection: Funny
I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.Collection: Years
I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.Collection: Hero
I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.Collection: Believe
It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.Collection: Children
Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.Collection: Years
I just don't want to die the same day Castro diesCollection: Want
New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.Collection: New York
While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.Collection: Education
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.Collection: Get Better
Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.Collection: Food
If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.Collection: Eight
If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.Collection: Sadness
People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.Collection: Dope
Television has a real problem. They have no page two. Consequently every big story gets the same play and comes across to the viewer as a really big, scary one.Collection: Real
... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.Collection: Afterlife
I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.Collection: Writing
I earned my stripes as a Marine, and the Corps gets full credit for straightening me out. At 17, I was young, I was unhappy and most of all, I was undisciplined. The Marine Corps was the right service in the right place at the right time.Collection: Marine
People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting evenCollection: Humor
No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.Collection: Country
I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.Collection: Inspirational
When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.Collection: Health
I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.Collection: Home
I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.Collection: Suicide
When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked itCollection: Writing
Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.Collection: Running
The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.Collection: Party
As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation slip when you have no room is to spread it out on the sidewalk in front of the hotel and go to sleep on it. You'll either embarrass the hotel into giving you a room or you'll be hauled off to the local jug, where at least you'll have a roof over your head.Collection: Travel
Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.Collection: Horse
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I’m going first class.Collection: Firsts
I have no idea where I’m going but here’s the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?Collection: Firsts