Greg Giraldo
If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.Collection: Legal
The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.Collection: Attitude
The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.
The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.Collection: Animal
People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.Collection: Dog
Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'Collection: Couple
It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?Collection: Growing Up
There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.Collection: Dream
Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?Collection: Hate
Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?Collection: Funny
In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her storyCollection: Stories
Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!Collection: Funny
Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy.Collection: Jobs
Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.Collection: Two
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.Collection: Kids
I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.Collection: Giving Up
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?Collection: Korea
If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.Collection: Careers
You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.Collection: Fighting
I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym.Collection: Tired
Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.Collection: Believe
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?Collection: Gay
Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.Collection: Growing Up
All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.Collection: Careers
Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.Collection: Gambling
Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?Collection: Girl
Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.Collection: Home
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.Collection: Life Is Short
If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?Collection: Suvs
If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.Collection: Hate
If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.Collection: Musician
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.Collection: Thinking
Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.Collection: Kids
Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.Collection: Ice
"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."Collection: Funny
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.Collection: Kids
When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.Collection: Thinking
Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.Collection: Clothes
The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.Collection: Iran
We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.Collection: Pride
On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.Collection: Pain
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.Collection: Dream