Daniel Tosh
It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.Collection: Funny
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.'
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.
Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.
Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.Collection: Kids
Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.Collection: Country
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.Collection: Sleep
I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.Collection: Teacher
Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.Collection: Kids
There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.Collection: Running
They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.Collection: Phrases
Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.Collection: Girl
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.Collection: Sex
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!Collection: Funny
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.Collection: Funny
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'Collection: Funny
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.Collection: Funny
You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.Collection: Liars
You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.Collection: Puppets
Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.Collection: Love
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.Collection: Cyclists
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'Collection: Sports
No one dies a virgin, Life screws us allCollection: Screws
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.Collection: Acceptance
It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.Collection: Fun
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.Collection: Funny
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'Collection: Funny
I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.Collection: Heart
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.Collection: Funny
Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.Collection: Believe
I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.Collection: Soccer
I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.Collection: Sports
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.Collection: Party
Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.Collection: Cheater
We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.Collection: Morning
Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.Collection: Cloning
I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.Collection: Jobs
I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.Collection: Dad