Wilson Mizner
God help those who do not help themselves.Collection: Atheism
It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.Collection: Lying
The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.Collection: Sex
The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.Collection: Heart
I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.Collection: Mind
It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.Collection: People
Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something.Collection: Gambling
The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.Collection: Marriage
Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.Collection: Doubt
Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.Collection: Art
He's a trellis for varicose veins.Collection: Sarcastic
Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.Collection: Time
The day which we fear as our last is but the bday of eternity. - By SenecaThe first hundred years are the hardest.Collection: Years
The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.Collection: Real
There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger.Collection: Wealth
Count 10 over him - he'll get upCollection: Boxing
Florida was invented for Addison Mizner's little brother.Collection: Brother