Will Rogers
The government says they have loaned over One Billion dollars to the Farmers. In other words, we can't help you make any money, but we will show you where you can owe some more.Collection: Government
The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.Collection: Real
You know, women always could endure more than men. Not only physically, but mentally - did you ever get a peek at some of the husbands?Collection: Husband
There is only one redeeming thing about this whole election. It will be over at sundown, and let everybody pray that it's not a tie, for we couldn't go through with this thing again.Collection: Ties
I make a living off (politicians), so I can't knock 'em. Every time we elect some fellow we think he's terrible and then when we get another one in he's worse. So, I am always in favor of keeping the one we've got and let the other go.Collection: Thinking
We are the only nation in the world that waits till we get into a war before we start getting ready for it.Collection: Peace
After seeing kids play polo against big guys, it only shows that horses are the greatest equalizer in the world. No matter what you weigh, the little fellow is your equal on a horse.Collection: Horse
Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.Collection: Long
I was born on Nov. 4, which is election day ... my birthday has made more men and sent more back to honest work than any other days in the year.Collection: Men
Strangers are just friends I haven't met yet.Collection: Strangers And Friends
Senators are a never-ending source of amusement, amazement, and discouragement.Collection: Political
A politician is not as narrow-minded as he forces himself to be.Collection: Political
That's one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says "Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.Collection: Boys
Our whole Depression was brought on by gambling, not in the stock market alone but in expanding and borrowing and going in debt... all just to make some easy money quick.Collection: Gambling
If you got a dollar, soak it away, put it in a savings bank, bury it, do anything but spend it. Spending when we didn't have it put us where we are today. Saving when we've got it will get us back to where we was before we went cuckoo.Collection: Business
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.Collection: Children
The only way to solve the traffic problems of the country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the highways. That would make traffic so scarce, we could use our boulevards for children's playgrounds.Collection: Country
Mothers are the only race of people that speak the same tongue. A mother in Manchuria could converse with a mother in Nebraska and never miss a word.Collection: Mother
You got to do more than just live in the country to be a Farmer.Collection: Country
George Bernard Shaw of England stopped over just long enough to make one speech in Bombay, India, started a war and 100 Indians killed each other. That's what I call good speech-making. The only enthusiasm any of our speakers can rouse is a demand to kill the speaker.Collection: Inspirational
President Coolidge said, 'I don't want the Government to go into business.' Well, if I was Mr. Coolidge I wouldn't worry over that. The Government never has been accused of being a business man.Collection: Business
Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.Collection: Success
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.Collection: Graduation
Real estate is the best investment in the world because it is the only thing they’re not making any more.Collection: Real
Lead your life so you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.Collection: Integrity
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.Collection: Smile
There is not a man in the country that can’t make a living for himself and family. But he can’t make a living for them and his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people.Collection: Country
The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ‘How is the president?’Collection: Country
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.Collection: Book
In a real estate man’s eye, the most expensive part of the city is where he has a house to sell.Collection: Real
Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can’t buy enough to eat.Collection: Country
Foreign relations is an open book – generally a checkbook.Collection: Book
A lot of guys have had a lot of fun joking about Henry Ford because he admitted one time that he didn’t know history. He don’t know it, but history will know him. He has made more history than his critics ever read.Collection: Fun
And if you call one a real estate agent and he won’t sell you anything. He is a REALATOR. It’s the same as what the old fashioned real estate agent used to be only the commission is different.Collection: Real
The only way to solve the traffic problems of the country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars are allowed to use the highways. That would make traffic so scarce, we could use our boulevards for children’s playgrounds.Collection: Country
There’s the one thing no nation can ever accuse us of and that is secret diplomacy. Our foreign are an open book, generally a check book.Collection: Book
There ain’t nothing that breaks up homes, country and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs.Collection: Country
I don’t care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling then the world will have peace.Collection: Country
It’s the greatest game I ever saw. You can’t lose. Everybody buys to sell and nobody buys to keep. What’s worrying me is who is going to be the last owner. It’s just like an auction; the only one stuck is the last one.Collection: Real
I argue with wife over what little pieces of real estate investments we should try to pay on and hold, and which to let go back. We always said, “Put it in land, and you can always walk on it.” We did, but no buyers would walk on it with us.Collection: Real
Say, did you read what this writer just dug up in George Washington’s diary? I was so ashamed I sat up all night reading it.Collection: Reading
Now they got such a high inheritance tax on ’em that you won’t catch these old rich boys dying promiscuously like they did. This bill makes patriots out of everybody. You sure do die for your country if you die from now on.Collection: Country
Any person that don’t read at least one well-written country newspaper is not truly informed.Collection: Country
Every time we have an election, we get in worse men and the country keeps right on going. Times have proven only one thing and that is you can’t ruin this country even with politics.Collection: Country
Every land or property owner in America would be tickled to death to pay 45 per cent of his profits, if he didn’t have to pay anything if he didn’t make it.Collection: Real
Will Rogers used to say he wouldn’t run for president no matter how badly the country needed a comedian.Collection: Country
There is a tremendous movement on to get lower taxes on earned incomes. Then will come the real problem, ‘Who among us on salary are earning our income?’Collection: Real
America is a great country, but you can’t live in it for nothing.Collection: Country
I go too fast to see much, only the tops of everything. I’ve got to prowl slow some time through this country.Collection: Country