Tim Allen
Men aren't allowed to have self-esteem, because we're already supposed to have all the power.... But most men earn less than they want, barely the minimum wage. They're drones. They do stuff they don't want to do to support their families, and they're not sure why they do it. They don't know what they're doing half the time, and any time we stick up for ourselves, we're pigs because we don't know how to articulate our frustrations and joys.Collection: Self Esteem
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn't blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.Collection: Blow
But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.Collection: Men
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.Collection: Hands
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.Collection: Use
I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.Collection: Quality
My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.Collection: Dad
If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.Collection: Made
I have way too many commitments. I get pulled in too many directions and I never seem to be able to satisfy anybody. People get turned on by knowing a celebrity, even my friends and family. They feel that there's something exciting about me, but in reality there's no substance to it. People in airports just hold on to me expecting something and it seems that I always come up empty. It's frustrating because I'm trying to please everybody, and ya just can't do that ... at least I can't.Collection: Commitment
I've always felt, and I don't like to say this because I sound like an ex-patriot, I always feel quite a bit more comfortable sometimes in Canada. For a variety of reasons. I just think it's a politer place. Kind of. You don't have quite the population to deal with but you don't immediately get into skirmishes with everybody. If you had any passport, any terrorist would let the Canadians off the plane.Collection: Thinking
Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.Collection: Blow
I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.Collection: Men
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)Collection: God
I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's an idiot," which lasted a little longer than I'd like.Collection: Girl
I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.Collection: Success
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.Collection: Kids
Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.Collection: Dog
They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.Collection: Inspirational
As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.Collection: Views
There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.Collection: Country
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.Collection: Funny
The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.Collection: Sports
When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.Collection: Father
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.Collection: Tired
I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.Collection: Children
I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning, I gotta get this going, and this, and this, and this." And all of a sudden it's dinnertime. And then there's a moment of connection with your spouse or your friends. Then you read and go to bed. Wake up and then it's the same all over. You're not awake, you're not living, you're not experiencing. We start early medicating ourselves. We start kids early, on TV and video games and so on.Collection: Life
Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.Collection: Men
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.Collection: Mom
My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.Collection: Smart
There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.Collection: Marriage
I'm a pretty solid Christian. But even as an altar boy, I was always asking the bigger questions--you know: if God is, in fact, good, what is all this death I see? And if God is gentle, what is all this suffering I see? I've found some of the answers in Eastern religion. It explained my Christianity to me. Good and evil are the same thing. You can't have one without the other. It's the balance, it's the temperance of things.Collection: Christian
I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.Collection: Students
I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.Collection: Guy
I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It's more of a ... it's not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.Collection: Hard Work
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.Collection: Running
I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.Collection: Memories
I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.Collection: Dog
I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don't do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn't like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I'd probably eat vegetables.Collection: Animal
My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.Collection: Kids
I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.Collection: Opportunity
I may go back and spice it up with a little bit of the tool stuff and grunting and all that that I know so well. But it feels like I'm rehashing old material. And some of my audiences like that. So I'm there to entertain. I'm not there to make a political statement or anything like that. I'm there to entertain.Collection: Political
I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.Collection: Past
Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.Collection: Drug
The world is your oyster when you are successful. That was when I was getting scripts. I was planning for this. I like this business. Parts of it I love, and I didn't want it to just end. The further you get away from your success, the less your phone rings. The next thing you know, it's 20 years later and you're in a mall going, "Remember when Al and I used to do something like this.Collection: Successful
A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.Collection: Memories
When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine - this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.Collection: Running
Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.Collection: Funny
Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo GigioCollection: Christmas