Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.Collection: Funny
I was skydiving horizontally.Collection: Funny
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.Collection: Funny
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...Collection: Funny
I had my coat hangers spayed.Collection: Funny
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.Collection: Wish
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.Collection: Funny
I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.Collection: Funny
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.Collection: Funny
The sky already fell. Now what?Collection: Funny
I can't stop thinking like this.Collection: Funny
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.Collection: Funny
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.Collection: Believe
Day One: Still tired from the move.Collection: Moving
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."Collection: Funny
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.Collection: Dream
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for itCollection: Home
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?Collection: Funny
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.Collection: Funny
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?Collection: Funny
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.Collection: Funny
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?Collection: Funny
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Collection: Laughing
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.Collection: Funny
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.Collection: Funny
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.Collection: Funny
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.Collection: Dying
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?Collection: Funny
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?Collection: Funny
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?Collection: Funny
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?Collection: Cat
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!Collection: Funny
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?Collection: Funny
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.Collection: Funny
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.Collection: Funny
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.Collection: Phones
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.Collection: Funny
No one is listening until you make a mistake.Collection: Funny
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.Collection: Nephew
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Collection: Funny
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?Collection: Mother
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.Collection: Funny
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.Collection: Statistics
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?Collection: Funny
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?Collection: Funny
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.Collection: Funny
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.Collection: Firsts
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.Collection: Mother
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.Collection: Funny