Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?Collection: Stars
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.Collection: Funny
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?Collection: Inspirational
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?Collection: Funny
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.Collection: Funny
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.Collection: Funny Motivational
always remember your unique, just like everone elseCollection: Unique
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.Collection: Funny
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?Collection: Funny
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.Collection: Inferiority
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseCollection: Funny
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?Collection: Funny
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.Collection: Funny
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.Collection: Depression
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?Collection: Funny
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eatCollection: Funny
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Collection: Life
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?Collection: Funny
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?Collection: Funny