Steve Allen
Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.Collection: Patriotism
Much of the best humor is found in the frequently tragic reality of human experience.Collection: Humor
Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.Collection: Humor
Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.
If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.
I personally find it difficult to accept that there could be anyone on earth insensitive to the comic abilities of Laurel and Hardy, Sid Caesar, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, or Martin Short. But no matter who the comic entertainer is, there is always at least a minority prepared to say, 'What's all the excitement about? He doesn't seem funny to me.'
One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.
The hair is real - it's the head that's a fake.
Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics.
Do I ever get questions that are rude or impertinent? Yes, but I love to use them. The audience immediately perceives the emotional awkwardness of the situation.
In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.
Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.
I was in sixth grade the first time I was required to speak in front of an audience. I had terrible stage fright and felt quite ill, in fact, by the time I had to give my little talk to students in another class across the hall.
If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war.
In those of us who have the mysterious ability to amuse others, it is usually the case that even before we were aware of our own abilities, we had become practiced at laughing more than other children in our social circle.
It often seems that, for whatever strange reasons, comedians, in addition to their formal performances, have more comic experiences in real life than other people do.
Pretend you're a southern sheriff. Or Mae West. Or Donald Duck. Buy a western hat and walk around the house like a cowboy. The point of all this, of course, is to draw yourself out of your accustomed groove.
There used to be an art form called the 'comedy of manners.' Why aren't comedies of manners made now in this country? The answer is simple. We no longer have manners to speak of.
To the extent that there is anything properly identifiable as dignity in our society today, our present writers of comedy would be inclined to treat it as a proper object of ridicule.
In general, the straight line of a joke sets up a premise, an expectation. Then the funny ending - the punch line - in a sense contradicts the original assumption by refusing to follow what had seemed a reasonable train of thought. Many jokes involve that simple matter of leaping outside what had appeared to be the rules of the game at the moment.
Many comedians and comedy writers have shared the childhood experience of learning to joke to protect themselves from neighborhood bullies when challenge or physical defense were not among the sensible options.
If we do not know what humor is, that may be because we do not know what humankind is.
We will take almost any kind of criticism except the observation that we have no sense of humor.
What people will - or will not - laugh at is mainly determined by their social conditioning.
Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories.
Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.Collection: Mind
Nothing is better than the unintended humor of reality.Collection: Reality
Civilization itself . . . can easily be swept aside when mob passions are aroused.Collection: Passion
Ideas have consequences, and totally erroneous ideas are likely to have destructive consequences.Collection: Ideas
Without laughter life on our planet would be intolerable. So important is laughter to us that humanity highly rewards members of one of the most unusual professions on earth, those who make a living by inducing laughter in others. This is very strange if you stop to think of it: that otherwise sane and responsible citizens should devote their professional energies to causing others to make sharp, explosive barking-like exhalations.Collection: Laughter
Religious believers of the world, you are free to continue to debate the simple, narrow question that divides you from atheists, but you have no right, in so doing, to treat the Humanists of the world with contempt. You owe them a deep debt of gratitude, for not only have they shed much light on a naturally dark world but they have very probably helped civilize your own specific religion.Collection: Gratitude
Thousands of years ago only Christ could walk on the water. Today anybody can do it; you just step on the garbage.Collection: Years
Millions of Germans had absolute faith in Hitler. Millions of Russians had faith in Stalin. Millions of Chinese had faith in Mao. Billions have had faith in imaginary gods.Collection: Chinese
Physical fitness is in. I recently had a physical fit myself.Collection: Exercise
The problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy - and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrationalCollection: Religious
There is scarcely a page of the Bible on which an open mind does not perceive a contradiction, an unlikely story, an obvious error, an historical impossibility of one sort or another.Collection: Bible
I cannot see how it can be argued that one should speak in tones of reverence and awe about the alleged divine instruction-in Psalms-to grab the defenseless bodies of innocent infants and dash their brains out against the nearest rocks or walls.Collection: Bible
This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever.Collection: Forever
Laughter would appear to be a physical reflex, although even if it is, this still leaves unanswered the question of why the human response to humor is a convulsive spasm of the respiratory mechanism rather than a crossing of the eyes or a waving of the arms.Collection: Laughter
...we are entitled to make almost any reasonable assumption, but should resist making conclusions until evidence requires that we do so.Collection: Religion
There are hundreds of millions who believe the Messiah has come. If he did, then it is unfortunately the case that his heroic sacrifice and death have had no effect whatsoever on the very problem his coming might have been expected to address, for history demonstrates, beyond question, that we Christians have been just as dangerous, singly and en masse, as non-Christians.Collection: Christian
Sometimes things which at the moment may be perceived as obstacles-and actually be obstacles, difficulties, or drawbacks-can in the long run result in some good end which would not have occurred if it had not been for the obstacle.Collection: Running
One social evil for which the New Testament is clearly in part responsible is anti-Semitism.Collection: Evil
I'm all for sex. Seven nights a week. Days, too.Collection: Sex
There are few pages of history which do not demonstrate that public prayer and ritual never inoculated people against mass-madness and cruelty. What is needed is emphasis on morality and manners.Collection: Prayer
I do not understand those who take little or no interest in the subject of religion. If religion embodies a truth, it is certainly the most important truth of human existence. If it is largely error, then it is one of monumentally tragic proportions—and should be vigorously opposed.Collection: Errors
Just as with cars, it's critical to know the fuel efficiency of black holes.Collection: Car
There is not the slightest question but that the God of the Old Testament is a jealous, vengeful God, inflicting not only on the sinful pagans but even on his Chosen People fire, lighting, hideous plagues and diseases, brimstone, and other curses.Collection: Jealous
The fundamentalist believer is mostly a weird intellectual who often lacks real faith altogether. As a self-appointed attorney for God, who is in no need of attorneys, he very easily turns out to be more godless than the agnostic and the unbeliever. At all events, he seems deaf to poetry.Collection: Real