Ray Romano
I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.
My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.
My career has been my craziest adventure.
I realized I need to work. I need to be creative. As much as I have angst and anxiety, when I'm idle, it's even more. I have to keep moving. Otherwise, I catch up with myself.
I didn't want to have to follow 'Everybody Loves Raymond' with another sitcom. Let it be my sitcom legacy, and leave it at that.
I never want to give up stand-up. Because I still get a thrill out of it.
I'm at an age where crying is easier for me now. I like it. I can cry at a poignant commercial; I can cry at a - this is a running joke in my house, but... a good 'Star-Spangled Banner' can make me cry. I'm not kidding.
I like a good cry - it's cathartic; it's a release. But I've never been able to be so free to do that on camera the way some actors can.
I think that as actors age, the work becomes more organic to them.
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.Collection: Funny
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.Collection: Funny
That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.Collection: Funny
The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.Collection: Inspirational
Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.Collection: Fruit Flies
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.Collection: Funny
I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.Collection: Holiday
I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one's ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.Collection: Mother
If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.Collection: Sex
Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.Collection: Boys
I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.Collection: Italian
I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.Collection: Hate
I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.Collection: Funny
The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.Collection: Men
People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.Collection: Thinking
My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.Collection: Children
I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.Collection: Kids
I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.Collection: Guy
You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.Collection: Believe
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.Collection: Girl
When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).Collection: Funny
I have this mistress: show business. I get a lot of love and adulation from outside, and [my wife] lets me have that, while she does all the real-life stuff that counts making sure the kids are going to school and all that. I married a saint well, a saint who curses.Collection: Real
Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.Collection: Funny
Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.Collection: Funny
Sex after one child shows down. After twins... ooh... I'll tell you what it is for us. I'll share it with you. Every three months. We don't plan it that way. That's just how it works out. It's the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it's oral sex, I renew my driver's license.Collection: Sex
That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.Collection: Men
My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar.Collection: Daughter
Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.Collection: Running
I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.Collection: New York
Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.Collection: Sound
In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.Collection: Sex
I've had people say to me, 'Look at the sky, the fields, the ocean, the beautiful sunset. Isn't that proof positive of God?' Following that line of thought, look at the magnificent rainbows after a big rainstorm. Isn't that proof positive that God is gay?Collection: Beautiful
I put myself on tape and the cool thing was that Martin Scorsese had never heard of me. He had never seen [Everybody Loves Raymond]. I was just an unknown actor to him. I don't want to sound conceited, like he has to know who I am, but that seemed a little odd. He's a film genius. He doesn't watch sitcoms.Collection: Conceited
Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.Collection: I Love Him
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness.'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.Collection: Attitude
My wife said to me 'I hope you win... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.Collection: Winning
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.Collection: Funny
Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on?Collection: Failure
I had to be naked [in Vinyl], but I was almost more nervous about having to be drunk. The director wasn't going to yell, "Too big!," during the nude scene. For the drunk scene, you can be bad drunk or good drunk. We'll see. My wife was not happy, hearing about it.Collection: Drunk
I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.Collection: Friday