P. J. O'Rourke
I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit.Collection: Funny
The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.Collection: Funny
From National Lampoon, you go directly to Saturday Night Live, because it's a lot of the same people.Collection: Night
Then Saturday Night Live spawns... well, everything right down to American Pie 9, where all humor has to be irrelevant, which can get a little tiring.Collection: Night
Lampoon ran out of steam in the early '80s, and wasn't able to reinvent itself because it ran out of talent. People who wanted to do this kind of stuff could suddenly make $100,000 in Hollywood right out of college.Collection: College
There was also a hunger strike in front of the National Press Club, which seemed an odd place to have a hunger strike (a cocktail fast, maybe). Although the Bangladeshis were savvy enough to know to know that if you're going to pester journalists, don't go to where they work: You'll never find them there.Collection: Funny
Anyone who thinks he has a better idea of what's good for people than people do is a swine.Collection: Life
Government usually doesn't work. It doesn't work because it is political. People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs. The difference between the political process and an honest life is the difference between parading around waving picket signs while hollering catcalls in front of the White House and getting up in the morning to go make a living.Collection: Wise
In the past a man was expected to give his seat on a bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for that man to give her his job.Collection: Jobs
The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race.Collection: Funny
The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.Collection: Funny
Cockfighting has always been my idea of a great sport -- two armed entrées battling to see who'll be dinner.Collection: Sports
Maybe it's understandable what a history of failures America's foreign policy has been. We are, after all, a country full of people who came to America to get away from foreigners. Any prolonged examination of the U.S. government reveals foreign policy to be America's miniature schnauzer -- a noisy but small and useless part of the national household.Collection: Country
Michael O'Donoghue was a very close friend of mine - very encouraging with my stuff, and really a great guy - but he was a no-kidding difficult person.Collection: Guy
First and foremost: Feed people.Collection: People
Sometimes you need a B-2 bomber and sometimes you need your mother.Collection: Mother
I've never been able to get it straight about what these people who are worried about the trade deficit are worried about. When they say that we're buying too much from overseas, that we're sending too many dollars overseas to get all these goods and services they got, they're saying that the American dollar is too strong and that is hurting our economy. And the result of this will be that the American dollar will get too weak, and that will hurt our economy.Collection: Strong
And, by the way, how come all the people who were so in favor of unilateral nuclear disarmament are so opposed to unilateral protection against nukes?Collection: Nuclear Disarmament
To really enjoy drugs you've got to want to get out of where you are. But there are some wheres that are harder to get out of than others. This is the drug-taking problem for adults. Teenage Weltscbmerz is easy to escape. But what drug will get a grown-up out of, for instance, debt?Collection: Teenage
The only really firm rule of taste about cross dressing is that neither sex should ever wear anything they haven't yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in.Collection: Fashion
Rich parents are famous both for miserliness and astonishing longevity. And, when they finally do die, you'll find they've left their estate in inviolate trust to the golden retrievers.Collection: Family
Los Angeles is many places in one place.Collection: Los Angeles
I spent almost 25 years as a foreign correspondent, and the world's primary problem is poverty.Collection: Years
It's much better to have your arguments dismissed because you might be joking than to have your arguments dismissed because you're not telling the truth.Collection: Might
A good bachelor drinks his dessert (and sometimes the rest of his meals). A sweet tooth is a danger signal that you're getting too much exercise and not enough cocktails.Collection: Sweet
It is very hard now to shock people into thinking about government regulation and the extent of government involvement in life.Collection: Thinking
Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it.Collection: Party
You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism.Collection: Chinese
The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around.Collection: Ignorance
When a thing defies physical law, there's usually politics involved.Collection: Law
A politician who commends himself as 'caring' and 'sensitive' because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to do good with other peoples' money.Collection: Caring
The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, 'branches' since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks. ... Government is not a machine with parts; it's an organism. When does an intestine quit being an intestine and start becoming an asshole?Collection: Government
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.Collection: Funny
Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race. All through history, mankind has been bullied by scum. Those who lord it over their fellows and toss commands in every direction and would boss the grass in the meadow about which way to bend in the wind are the most depraved kind of prostitutes. They will submit to any indignity, perform any vile act, do anything to achieve power. The worst off-sloughings of the planet are the ingredients of sovereignty. Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy the whores are us.Collection: Race
Think about last time you were broke ... now how well did it go with spending your way out of it? Did that work?Collection: Thinking
Remember that all tax revenue is the result of holding a gun to somebody's head. Not paying taxes is against the law. If you don't pay your taxes, you'll be fined. If you don't pay the fine, you'll be jailed. If you try to escape from jail, you'll be shot. ... Therefore, every time the government spends money on anything, you have to ask yourself, 'Would I kill my kindly, gray-haired mother for this?'Collection: Mother
Politicians are wonderful people as longa as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.Collection: People
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.Collection: Life
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.Collection: Inspirational
One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.Collection: Inspirational
Politics is the business of getting power and privilege without possessing meritCollection: Privilege
Collectivism doesn't work because it's based on a faulty economic premise. There is no such thing as a person's "fair share" of wealth. The gross national product is not a pizza that must be carefully divided because if I get too many slices, you have to eat the box. The economy is expandable and, in any practical sense, limitless.Collection: Liberty
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."Collection: Funny
What about snipers?" I once asked someone. He said, "Oh, most of the snipers have automatic weapon. They arent very accurate.Collection: History
I had grown up as a feature writer, and basically my career had been in The National Lampoon and as a magazine editor, and I'd never been a reporter.Collection: Editors
I don't see evidence of America being a poorer country than it was 20 years ago. I've seen impoverished devastation. I've seen places where things had been good and now they were very bad.Collection: Country
I didn't realize what fun it was [ been a reporter].Collection: Fun
We like to pile language on language. Hunter [ S. Thompson] was an influence on me, no doubt about it.Collection: Doubt
This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.Collection: Funny