P. J. O'Rourke
Newsmen believe that news is a tacitly acknowledged fourth branch of the federal system. This is why most news about government sounds as if it were federally mandated -- serious, bulky and blandly worthwhile, like a high-fiber diet set in type.Collection: Believe
The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe.Collection: Funny
Detroits industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching.Collection: Rome
The U.S. tax code was written by A students. Every April 15 we have to pay somebody who got an A in accounting to keep ourselves from being sent to jail.Collection: Jail
How a peaceful, uncrowded place with ample wherewithal stays poor is hard to explain. How a conflict-ridden, grossly over-populated place with no resources whatsoever gets rich is simple. The British colonial government turned Hong Kong into an economic miracle by doing nothing.Collection: Simple
A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.Collection: Giving
A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it.Collection: Funny
There are lots of levels of fear and complaint about the government getting involved in business. First and foremost, of course, is incompetence.Collection: Government
In England, all the English car companies were beginning to circle the drain in a series of well-deserved failures and bankruptcies, earned by making lousy products with very poor production at high prices. So, the government, back in the '70s, nationalized all the British car companies. The result was British Leyland, a name that perhaps doesn't resonate much with you.Collection: Names
I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.Collection: Funny
I'll pick "I'm kidding" anytime over "I'm lying."Collection: Lying
I am a great admirer of women.Collection: Admirer
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look.Collection: Looks
A lot of things work better in a locomotive.Collection: Locomotives
Apparently Bolivia is the key source of lithium in the world. So we're gonna trade the Saudis for the Bolivians.Collection: Keys
The day was warm and clear. Kids were playing soccer in the parking lots and women were sunning their babies and having their tea all over the lawns. The scene was entirely too cheery for journalism.Collection: Funny
Bachelors know all about parties. In fact, a good bachelor is a living, breathing party all by himself. At least that is what my girlfriend said when she found the gin bottles under the couch. I believe her exact words were, "You're a disgusting, drunken mess." And that's a good description of a party, if it's done right.Collection: Girlfriend
They don't like anyone who isn't Korean, and they don't like each other all that much, either. They're hardheaded, hard-drinking, tough little bastards, 'the Irish of Asia'.Collection: Drinking
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please.Collection: Liberty
If the wind is blowing like stink and everything is working right, a twelve-meter sailboat can go eleven and a half or twelve miles an hour, the same speed at which a bond lawyer runs around the Cental Park Reservoir.Collection: Funny
I didn't see any NRA officials killing babies in Waco.Collection: Baby
The Vietnamese Hoa were merchants and manufacturers. They were very successful and thus, according to the logic of Marxism, responsible for society's failures. The Hoa suffered the same fate as the pizza parlour in Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing except at the hands of the world's fourth largest army instead of a small, petulant movie director.Collection: Successful
If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.Collection: Tables
You start out with Mad magazine, and you go right through the sort of black humor of Lenny Bruce, Lord Buckley, Mort Sahl, Paul Krassner... If you put Lenny together with Mad magazine and run it through the brain of a college student, you get National Lampoon.Collection: Running
You can keep the dining room clean by eating in the kitchen.Collection: Kitchen
Generally it's not a good idea to wear Banana Republic - type khaki journalist clothes in a war zone. You might look too much like something that's supposed to be shot, such as a journalist.Collection: Funny
The question nowadays is not what makes government work. The question is how do we make it stop.Collection: Government
Rich white Protestant men have held on to some measure of power in America almost solely by getting women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups to wear crippling foot fashions. This keeps them too busy with corns and bunions to compete in the job market.Collection: Fashion
You can smoke or drink on a golf course without interrupting the game, and you can take a leak - something you can't do on a squash court and shouldn't do in a swimming pool.Collection: Golf
Like Rick in Casablanca: "We'll always have Paris." When what we'll always have is, like, Brooklyn and arguments about [Lev] Trotsky.Collection: Paris
Worshiping the earth is more fun than going to church. It's also closer.Collection: Fun
Think of what big governments have gotten up to in this century : not one, but two world wars, the gulag, the holocaust, aerial bombing of civilian population centers, the Berlin Wall, nuclear explosions, the post office. A wicked individual might want these, but he wouldn't have the cash and connections to get them. A villainous corporation could afford them but has to market the products. The Vietnam draft would be a tough sell for even the most fiendish businessmen. "Get shot! Get killed! Get diseases from foreign women who despise you in their hearts!"Collection: Wall
How did an allegedly free people spawn a vast, rampant cuttlefish of dominion with its tentacles in every orifice of the body politic?Collection: People
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders.Collection: Funny
Italy is not technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Italians.Collection: World
The morning meal was served in traditional socialist fashion - very slowly, with the courses out of order so that the jelly arrived half an hour after the toast and the coffee didn't come until we'd called for the check. However, it was hard to be angry at a place that had ice cream, beer, and cigarettes on its breakfast menu.Collection: Fashion