E. W. Howe
When I am idle and shiftless, my affairs become confused; when I work, I get results ... not great results, but enough to encourage me.Collection: Confused
I express many absurd opinions. But I am not the first man to do it; American freedom consists largely in talking nonsense.Collection: Men
The only thing some people do is get older.Collection: Inspirational
A conquered foe should be watched.Collection: Enemy
When a man diets, he eats oatmeal in addition to everything else he usually eats.Collection: Men
There must be some good in the cocktail party to account for its immense vogue among otherwise sane people.Collection: Party
People tolerate those they fear further than those they love.Collection: People
As a man handles his troubles during the day, so he goes to bed at night a General, Captain, or Private.Collection: Night
No man can smile in the face of adversity and mean it.Collection: Smile
No man is smart, except by comparison to those who know lessCollection: Smart
How good we all are, in theory, to the old; and how in fact we wish them to wander off like old dogs, die without bothering us, and bury themselves.Collection: Dog
Everyone hates a martyr; it's no wonder martyrs were burned at the stake.Collection: Hate
Half the promises people say were never kept, were never made.Collection: Keeping Promises
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.Collection: Marriage
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.Collection: Humorous
Don't be crazy to do a lot of things you can't do.Collection: Crazy
No man has all the wisdom in the world; everyone has some.Collection: Wisdom
The only gambling tip which amounts to anything is to keep out of the game.Collection: Gambling
Some people never have anything except ideals.Collection: People
There is something in the red of a raspberry pie that looks as good to a man as the red in a sheep looks to a wolf.Collection: Food
Probably no man ever had a friend that he did not dislike a little.Collection: Friendship
To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.Collection: Marriage
Nearly every lawsuit is an insult to the intelligence of both plaintiff and defendant.Collection: Insult
Indignation does no good unless it is backed with a club of sufficient size to awe the opposition.Collection: Doe
We are not free, it was not intended we should be. A book of rules is placed in our cradle, and we never get rid of it until we reach our graves. Then we are free, and only then.Collection: Freedom
The most agreeable thing in life is worthy accomplishment. It is not possible that the idle tramp is as contented as the farmers along the road who own their own farms, and whose credit is good at the bank in town. When the tramps get together at night, they abuse the farmers, but do not get as much satisfaction out of it as do the farmers who abuse the tramps. The sounder your argument, the more satisfaction you get out of it.Collection: Night
You can't do anything unless you do it yourself. And usually you can't do it yourself very well.Collection: Do It Yourself
A poem is no place for an idea.Collection: Ideas
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.Collection: Education
Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public.Collection: People
It is your enemies who keep you straight. For real use one active, sneering enemy is worth two ordinary friends.Collection: Hate
No scheme pays as well as legitimate business.Collection: Pay
A women could never be President. A condidate must be over 35, and where are you going to find a woman who will admit she's over 35?Collection: President
A loafer never works except when there is a fire; then he will carry out more furniture than anybody.Collection: Motivation
Men are virtuous because women are; women are virtuous from necessity.Collection: Men
Most of us are either too think to enjoy eating, or too fat to enjoy walking.Collection: Food
What is common sense? That which attracts the least opposition that which brings most agreeable and worthy results.Collection: Common Sense
When you can't do anything else to a boy, you can make him wash his face.Collection: Boys
Express a mean opinion of yourself occasionally; it will show your friends that you know how to tell the truth.Collection: Mean
When I get hold of a book I particularly admire, I am so enthusiastic that I loan it to someone who never brings it back.Collection: Book
Honesty is largely a matter of information, of knowing that dishonesty is a mistake. Principle is not as powerful in keeping people straight as a policeman.Collection: Honesty
If you have sense enough to realize why flies gather around a restaurant, you should be able to appreciate why men run for office.Collection: Running
Success does not mean happiness: it means an unusual number of industrious enemies.Collection: Success
I believe in grumbling; it is the politest form of fighting known.Collection: Believe
A reasonable probability is the only certainty.Collection: Motivational
A woman does not spend all her time in buying things; she spends part of it in taking them back.Collection: Women
Reading is like permitting a man to talk a long time, and refusing you the right to answer.Collection: Reading
Nothing tires a man more than to be grateful all the time.Collection: Appreciation
There is no such thing as a convincing argument, although every man thinks he has one.Collection: Men