Doug Benson
Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.Collection: Zero
People come to me with ideas for shows, and I certainly am thinking of stuff all the time. And it's always like, you know, "Get high and drive a car!" Or "Get high and do this or that." It's always things like, "Well, that's a terrible idea to get high and do that." So, when they came to me with this, I was like, "Well, you're just sitting there and discussing cases."Collection: Thinking
Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.Collection: Comedian
I'm not physically harming any of these people by being high, and it's just interesting to see that I feel like my values and morals don't change at all when I'm high, but that's a constant. The thing that changes when I'm high is I am happier, and I'm not good with numbers.Collection: Numbers
Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.Collection: Advice
I enjoy Modern Family very much. Good TV program. I don't know why. I just find that so many of the jokes land. So many of the actors are so great. Phil Dunphy is one of my favorite characters ever.Collection: Character
Willem Dafoe is a shithead.Collection: Shitheads
Any comedic entertainment is better when you get high.Collection: Getting High
The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.Collection: Girl
The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.Collection: Hate
Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.Collection: Reading
You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.Collection: Important
I can't go off all crazy like that and reward someone a ton of money.Collection: Crazy
I've always enjoyed things that are popular,I mean, obviously, there are plenty of things that are popular that I hate. But when something like that is done right, I just think they nail it. I just think Modern Family is a really clever show.Collection: Clever
The motion picture Deadpool was my favorite funny movie of [2016]. Something that I could just watch over and over again, because it's just so... he says so many things.Collection: Watches
[Ryan Reynolds] is my favorite [ on Top Gear] - I think he's the most hilarious actor who just has not been able to catch a break in terms of being known as the most hilarious actor.Collection: Thinking
[Ryan Reynolds] has had stabs at it like Just Friends. He's really fun in that.Collection: Fun
That's the interesting part of being a judge to me - I don't even care about these people's fights that they're having with each other, but I have to invest in it enough to figure out. I have to make a decision.Collection: Fighting
There's a lust to get on TV.Collection: Lust
Being on TV and getting everything paid for are the two reasons to do it with us instead of the court of law.Collection: Law
It's fun playing the judge, because I grew up on all the courtroom stuff in movies and TV. So, you know all the tropes, and you know all the expressions.Collection: Fun
The thing that still exists is that if it's at all possible for me to step outside the club after the show, because I still haven't encountered any comedy clubs that - legally they can't have weed smoking and alcohol at the same facility, pretty much in all the states that have legalized, that's part of the deal. And, unfortunately, comedy clubs make all their money from the selling alcohol part of it. So, since there are no venues I can smoke with the fans in, I step outside and pretty much every show I do there are some people out there and we have a nice little session.Collection: Weed
Pot advocates actually try to convince people who don't need or want medical marijuana to go get a card, because as those numbers go up, it's like voting for an initiative. It's saying "There are this many people who want to use this who are not getting in trouble, who are not turning around and selling it or giving it to minors." No matter what they have - cancer, HIV, depression - anybody who says they feel better after smoking marijuana, I feel they should be able to do so, especially if it's in the privacy of their own home.Collection: Cancer
Obviously, you take the risk to step over the line any time you do something where comedians interact with each other. Like a roast, somebody's always going to cross over the line. As far as the public goes, I like feedback, I like to hear laughter, and I like the occasional pointed heckle, but it's true: Everybody thinks that they need to express their opinion now. There's been this sea change where people are constantly writing to me directly about stuff, where in the past you'd never hear about it, because nobody would try to find you to make one of their stupid comments.Collection: Laughter
I know there's a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.Collection: Feelings
I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.Collection: Making Love