Don Herold
A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.Collection: Humor
The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.Collection: Learning
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.Collection: Intelligence
It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.Collection: Intelligence
There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.Collection: Funny
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
Don't ever slam a door, you might want to go back.
It is a good thing that life is not as serious as it seems to a waiter.
Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance.
Golf may be a hussy, but I love her.
Why resist temptation? There will always be more.
There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe.
Poverty must have many satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.
If I had my life to live over, I would try to make more mistakes. I would relax. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I know of very few things that I would take seriously. I would be less hygienic. I would go more places. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less spinach. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary troubles.Collection: Mistake
This is the greatest paradox: the emotions cannot be trusted; yet it is the emotions that tell us the greatest truths.Collection: Emotion
Be kind to dumb people.Collection: People
Babies are such a nice way to start people.Collection: Relationship
Some people have nothing but experience.Collection: People
Conversation: The slowest form of human communication.Collection: Communication
Moralizing and morals are two entirely different things and are always found in entirely different peopleCollection: Two
Very few people look the part and are it too.Collection: People
Interruptions are the spice of life.Collection: Life
Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we should never need solace.Collection: Funny
Intellectuals should never marry; they won't enjoy it; and besides, they should not reproduce themselves.Collection: Single Life
A lot of men think that if they smile for a second, somebody will take advantage of them, and they are right.Collection: Men
I wish I could stand on a busy corner, hat in hand and beg people to throw me all their wasted hours. If all you can see is your shadow, you're blocking your own light. If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.Collection: Block
I do not believe in doing for pleasure things I do not like to do.Collection: Believe
In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person.Collection: Devil
Babies are a great way to start people.Collection: Baby
The mind of man has no defense To equal plain, old common sense. This homely virtue don't despise, If you would be happy as well as wise.Collection: Wise
If I had my life to live over, I'd pick more daisies.Collection: Daisies
An honourable agreement among men as to their conduct toward women, and it was devised by women.Collection: Marriage
Methods of locomotion have improved greatly in recent years, but places to go remain about the same.Collection: Years
Be kind and considerate to others, depending somewhat upon who they are.Collection: Funny
I wish I were either rich enough or poor enough to do a lot of things that are impossible in my present comfortable circumstances.Collection: Inspirational
I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn't have been supplanted by phonographs.Collection: Teacher
About the time we get old enough to be as wicked as we want to be, we don't want to be so very wicked after all.Collection: Wicked
Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot.Collection: Golf
The chief trouble with jazz is that there is not enough of it; some of it we have to listen to twice.Collection: Listening
Golf is not sacred, and there is no use getting so gosh-darned solemn about it.Collection: Golf
[Reviewing a production of Uncle Tom's Cabin] The dogs were poorly supported by the cast.Collection: Dog
There is something distinctive about living in New York; over eight million other people are doing it.Collection: New York
Comic-strip artists do not make good husbands, and God knows they do not make good comic strips.Collection: Art
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but take what they can get.Collection: Gentleman
A woman's hair net tangled in a man's spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser.Collection: Marriage