Daniel Handler
But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law that forbids anyone from removing its fruit. And a town not too far from where you live has a law that bars me from coming within five miles of its borders.Collection: Country
...that's not why we broke up. I love it, I miss it, I hate to give it back to you, this complicated thing, it's why we stayed togetherCollection: Hate
I stand entwined in fire on the inextinguishable bonfire of inconceivable love.Collection: Fire
There is no way of knowing for sure whether or not you can trust someone, for the simple reason that circumstances change all of the time.Collection: Simple
Every problem has a solution. Sometimes it just takes a long time to find the solution - even if it's right in front of your nose.Collection: Long
In times of extreme stress, one can often find energy hidden in even the most exhausted areas of the body.Collection: Stress
It is true, of course, that there is no way of knowing for sure whether or not you can trust someone, for the simple reason that circumstances change all of the time. You might know someone for several years, for instance, and trust him completely as your friend, but circumstances could change and he could become very hungry, and before you knew it you could be boiling in a soup pot, because there is no way of knowing for sure.Collection: Change
It is very easy to say that the important thing is to try your best, but if you are in real trouble the most important thing is not trying your best, but getting to safety.Collection: Real
The library was one enormous room, with long, high metal shelves and the perfect quiet that libraries provide for anyone looking for an answer.Collection: Long
Nowhere in the world is safe," Count Olaf said. Not with you around," Violet agreed. I'm no worse than anyone else," Count Olaf said.Collection: World
It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters.Collection: Mean
For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.Collection: War
Neither were you [born yesterday], unless of course I am wrong, in which case welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life.Collection: Baby
You can invent things like automatic popcorn poppers. You can invent things like steam-powered window washers. But you can’t invent more time.Collection: Popcorn
I have produced things that I would say were sincerely cheerful. But then I am reminded by other people that no one else would see them that way.Collection: People
People don't always get what they deserve in this world.Collection: People
When I was researching my very first novel, "The Basic Eight," I was calling right-wing political and religious organizations and asking them to mail me their material so that I could mock them in my novels.Collection: Religious
If you don’t care about something, one way to demonstrate your feelings is to say the word and then repeat the word with the letters S-C-H-M replacing the first letters. Somebody who didn’t care about dentists, for instance could say ‘Dentist, schmentists.Collection: Feelings
It was darker than a pitch-black panther, covered in tar, eating black licorice at the very bottom of the deepest part of the Black Sea.Collection: Sea
Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk DaviesCollection: Feelings
So every so often, when I meet someone who's honestly appalled by my books and doesn't understand why they would be attractive to people... I find such people sort of charming, even though they usually don't like me.Collection: Book
Waiting is one of life’s hardships.Collection: Waiting
Is it fair for the bears to come down to where humans live, looking for food? Is it fair for the Duke's soldiers to shoot at them? Is it fair for the bears to crush them with giant snowballs? Often, if you point out something that isn't fair, someone will reply, "Life isn't fair." What is to be done with such people?Collection: Crush
I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.Collection: Humor
I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong.Collection: First Impression
When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt, is open twenty-four hours a day?Collection: Twenties
How do you forget something? You just walk away from it, those who are still alive. There are so few clearings in our hearts and minds, so few places where something can't grow on top of whatever happened to us before, and this is love too.Collection: Heart
I found powerful the idea that everything we have is, in effect, stolen from everybody else.Collection: Powerful
What should we call him?" Klaus asked. "You should call him Dr. Montgomery," Mr. Poe replied, "unless he tells you to call him Montgomery. Both his first and last names are Montgomery, so it doesn't make much difference." "His name is Montgomery Montgomery?" Klaus said, smiling. "Yes, and I'm sure he's very sensitive about that, so don't ridicule him," Mr. Poe said, coughing again into his handkerchief.Collection: Names
For Beatrice, when we first met, I was lonely, and you were pretty. Now I am pretty lonely.Collection: Lonely
I think I’ve always believed that there is one person in the universe who you’re truly meant for–for whom you are truly meant–and the fact that sometimes there are two or even more people on the earth you can fall in love with really bothers me. It suggests that if you work hard you can be meant for anyone.Collection: Falling In Love
A bolt from the blue.Collection: Blue
The rinsed foam swirled into one drain that always clogged come October when the maples dropped Canadian propaganda over everything.Collection: Foam
Thinking about something is like picking up a stone when taking a walk, either while skipping rocks on the beach, for example, or looking for a way to shatter the glass doors of a museum. When you think about something, it adds a bit of weight to your walk, and as you think about more and more things you are liable to feel heavier and heavier, until you are so burdened you cannot take any further steps, and can only sit and stare at the gentle movements of the ocean waves or security guards, thinking too hard bout too many things to do anything else.Collection: Life
But there are times in this harum-scarum world when figuring out the right thing to do is quite simple, but doing the right thing is simply impossible.Collection: Integrity
Taking one’s chances is like taking a bath, because sometimes you end up feeling comfortable and warm, and sometimes there is something terrible lurking around that you cannot see until it is too late and you can do nothing else but scream and cling to a plastic duck.Collection: Ducks
Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.Collection: Reading
It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.Collection: Death
There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.Collection: Fear
Most schools have a loud system of loud bells, which startle the students and teachers at regular intervals and remind them that time is passing even more slowly than it seems.Collection: Teacher
In the secret pocket, she often kept a small pocket dictionary, which she would take out whenever she encountered a word she did not know.Collection: Secret
Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of 'systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, syst-susceptible sister,' which is easier done than said.Collection: Done
There's information about everything from poetry to pills, from picture frames to pyramids, and from pudding to psychology--and that's just in the P aisle, which we're walking down right now.Collection: Pyramids
Having a personal philosophy is like having a pet marmoset, because it may be very attractive when you acquire it, but there may be situations when it will not come in handy at all.Collection: Philosophy
If you feel . . . that well-read people are less likely to be evil, and a world full of people sitting quietly with good books in their hands is preferable to world filled with schisms and sirens and other noisy and troublesome things, then every time you enter a library you might say to yourself, 'The world is quiet here,' as a sort of pledge proclaiming reading to be the greater good.Collection: Book
Xenial' is a word which refers to the giving of gifts to strangers. . . . I know that having a good vocabulary doesn't guarantee that I'm a good person. . . . But it does mean I've read a great deal. And in my experience, well-read people are less likely to be evil.Collection: Mean
I'm not a stranger," I said, and pointed to his book. "I'm someone who reads the same authors you do.Collection: Book
Just because something is typed-whether it is typed on a business card or typed in a newspaper or book-this does not mean that it is true.Collection: Truth
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.Collection: I Hate You