Dane Cook
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.
I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.
I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.
I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.
If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.
I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.Collection: Drinking
Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.Collection: Winning
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.Collection: Running
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.Collection: Hate
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.Collection: Valentines Day
We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.Collection: Summer
When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess notCollection: Want
When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.Collection: Change
What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.Collection: Atheist
You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.Collection: Responsibility
It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.Collection: People
You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.Collection: People
Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!Collection: Littles
I live my life like there's no yesterday.Collection: Yesterday
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.Collection: Summer
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.Collection: Dog
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.Collection: Hate
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.Collection: People
Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.Collection: Turtles
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!Collection: Couple
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.Collection: Distance
When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.Collection: Falling In Love
I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.Collection: Smell
I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."Collection: Husband
When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...Collection: Party
I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.Collection: Discovery
This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.Collection: Dream
Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.Collection: Past
I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.Collection: Talking
Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.Collection: Mirrors
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.Collection: Disappointment
What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.Collection: Adventure
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.Collection: Play