Bill Engvall
You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!Collection: Kissing
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.Collection: Iphone
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.Collection: Thinking
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.Collection: Song
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.Collection: Men
I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.Collection: Tree
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.Collection: Doe
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.Collection: Rubber
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.Collection: Funny
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.Collection: Mom
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.Collection: Sex
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?Collection: Hard
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.Collection: Light
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.Collection: Believe
I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'Collection: Thinking
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.Collection: Sex
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane. I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.Collection: Destiny
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?Collection: Doors
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.Collection: Feelings
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.Collection: Clouds
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".Collection: Dad
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.Collection: Daughter
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.Collection: Hurt
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.Collection: Drunk
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: 'You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.' Number two: 'We have medication for this.' And number three: 'It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.'Collection: Funny
I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.Collection: Two
I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.Collection: Believe
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.Collection: Good Day
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"Collection: Funny
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.Collection: Thinking
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"Collection: Funny
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.Collection: Funny
I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.Collection: Funny
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.Collection: Helping Others