Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 145
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 145 provides more funny quotes.
In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball.Collection: Funny
Playing in this nice weather really makes me remember all the times I got stung by a bee.Collection: Funny
See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands.Collection: Funny
This is a pie chart about procrastination.Collection: Funny
Be glad that you're greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren't.Collection: Funny
Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that can take over your computer and render it useless.Collection: Funny
Yet another spunky li'l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky li'l NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it.Collection: Funny
Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.Collection: Funny
Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.Collection: Funny
The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to help him locate it, and when the commissioners called him in to testify, he told them, essentially, that he couldn't remember what it looked like. Now, if Richard Nixon had claimed something like that you would at least have had the comfort of knowing he was lying. You could trust Nixon that way. But with this president, you have this nagging feeling that he's telling the truth.Collection: Funny
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.Collection: Funny
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.Collection: Funny
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"Collection: Funny
I would sooner read a timetable or a catalog than nothing at all.Collection: Funny
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose - for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.Collection: Funny
God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat.Collection: Funny
The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.Collection: Funny
Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.Collection: Funny
If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog?Collection: Funny
The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)Collection: Funny
Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."Collection: Funny
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.Collection: Funny
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.Collection: Funny
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.Collection: Funny
When she liked anyone it was quite natural for her to go to bed with him. She never thought twice about it. It was not vice; it wasn't lasciviousness; it was her nature. She gave herself as naturally as the sun gives heat or the flowers their perfume. It was a pleasure to her and she liked to give pleasure to others.Collection: Funny
You'll never call him Fifi again.Collection: Funny
Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.Collection: Funny
Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.Collection: Funny
I've had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, 'No! No! This wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people!' Then if there's a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'Collection: Funny
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.Collection: Funny
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.Collection: Funny
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'Collection: Funny
There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'Collection: Funny
God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.Collection: Funny
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.Collection: Funny
What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.Collection: Funny
Whatever it is, I'm against it.Collection: Funny
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!Collection: Funny
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!Collection: Funny
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a bananaCollection: Funny
This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.Collection: Funny
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.Collection: Funny
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.Collection: Funny
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.Collection: Funny
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.Collection: Funny
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.Collection: Funny
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.Collection: Funny
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.Collection: Funny
On one issue, at least, men and women agree. They both distrust women.Collection: Funny