Bill Maher
Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'Collection: God
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.Collection: Religion
Men are only as loyal as their options.Collection: Funny
If you think you have it tough, read history books.Collection: History
We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.Collection: Religion
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.Collection: Religion
To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.Collection: Patriotism
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.Collection: Women
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'Collection: Intelligence
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.Collection: Learning
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?Collection: Patriotism
Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.Collection: Politics
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.Collection: Funny
I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.Collection: Great
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
It's all been satirized for your protection.
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.
If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest.
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.Collection: Gun
To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.Collection: Christian
To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.Collection: Courage
Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for youCollection: Doctors
Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.Collection: Tolerance
Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.Collection: Superstitions
In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.Collection: Country
At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.Collection: Years