Dave Barry
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.Collection: Patriotism
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.Collection: History
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.Collection: Relationship
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.Collection: Computers
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.Collection: Food
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.Collection: Teen
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.Collection: Death
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.Collection: Society
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.Collection: Saint
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.Collection: Funny
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.Collection: Religion
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.Collection: Death
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.Collection: Religion
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.Collection: Religion
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.Collection: Food
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.Collection: Science
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.Collection: Sad
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.Collection: Business
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.Collection: Christmas
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.Collection: Sports
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.Collection: Business
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.Collection: Chance
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.Collection: Car
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.Collection: Travel
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.Collection: Teen
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.Collection: Good
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.Collection: Funny
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.Collection: Life
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.Collection: Car
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.Collection: Fear
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.Collection: Cool
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.Collection: Technology
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.Collection: Car
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.Collection: Sports
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.