Laugh Out Loud: Hilarious Quotes for Every Occasion - Page 144
Brighten your day with a selection of humorous and funny quotes. Laugh out loud with witty and amusing insights. Page 144 provides more funny quotes.
Never trust anything you read in a travel article.Collection: Funny
The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."Collection: Funny
The Japanese tend to be far more co-operative and docile and group-oriented. It would be easier to get the entire population of Tokyo to wear matching outfits than to get any two randomly selected Americans to agree on pizza toppings.Collection: Funny
I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was in Morning Glory with, has mastered that dry funny better than anyone.Collection: Funny
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.Collection: Funny
This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.Collection: Funny
Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.Collection: Funny
Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.Collection: Funny
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.Collection: Funny
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.Collection: Funny
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)Collection: Funny
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.Collection: Funny
Do you mind if I don't smoke?Collection: Funny
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.Collection: Funny
The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.Collection: Funny
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.Collection: Funny
You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?Collection: Funny
It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily.Collection: Funny
Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.Collection: Funny
Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.Collection: Funny
My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.Collection: Funny
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.Collection: Funny
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.Collection: Funny
A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.Collection: Funny
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.Collection: Funny
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?Collection: Funny
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.Collection: Funny
Any place I hang my head is home.Collection: Funny
Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.Collection: Funny
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.Collection: Funny
I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.Collection: Funny
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.Collection: Funny
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.Collection: Funny
I don't mind your thinking slowly; I mind your publishing faster than you think.Collection: Funny
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.Collection: Funny
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.Collection: Funny
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'Collection: Funny
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.Collection: Funny
Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.Collection: Funny
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communicationCollection: Funny
Blood's not thicker than money.Collection: Funny
Freedom of press is limited to those who own one.Collection: Funny
I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'Collection: Funny
They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.Collection: Funny
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.Collection: Funny
He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.Collection: Funny
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.Collection: Funny
Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'Collection: Funny
I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'Collection: Funny