Steve Aylett
A hundred percent of marriages end in divorce, disappearance or death.Collection: Divorce
A sniper is like a genius - it’s not enough to be one, you have to be one at something.Collection: Genius
The optimist sees the future as a rabbit sees the oncoming truck - getting bigger, not closer.Collection: Rabbits
What’s life in this nation? Collect emptiness in a household of cornflakes. Transient fuel gobbles attention, the television aches, the truth walks. Scheme worms welcome your corpse, trap clicks and you’re in heaven, bored rigidCollection: Bored
In America, fundamentalist Christians believe the world was created 6,000 years ago - in England people drink in bars that are older than that.Collection: Christian
Originality irritates so obscurely that people may have to evolve to scratch it.Collection: People
Scientists used to do an experiment whereby a dog's repeated reward for performing a task was unaccountably replaced by punishment. The dog, knowing it would be penalized for doing well or doing badly, would become melancholic and inactive. This and other unforeseeable results were funded by taxing up to sixty percent of people's earnings. People became strangely melancholic and inactiveCollection: Dog
Sanity’s a virginity of the mindCollection: Mind
Most books are so well written they barely have any effect on the reader's sensesCollection: Book
One thing you’ll say for skeletons, they’ll always give you a smile.Collection: Skeletons
Gun stripping is the tea ceremony of America.Collection: Gun
In books there's nothing of the fish covered in the coldness of the sea, or the feeling of a star touching space. Bad for business.Collection: Stars
From space this Earth is incandescent with abominations - the gods write their signature in our entrailsCollection: Writing
The best way of getting into something is to think of it as mischief.Collection: Thinking
Ideas are self-replenishing, like snotCollection: Self
What happens when the hitcher and the driver are equally murderous?Collection: Drivers
I knew books could see people around them, they ground their tiny teeth, tried to rattle like windows, stories to tell.Collection: Book
Hang up the phone on a vampire, the definition of carefree.Collection: Phones
How many times does a man have to shave before his chin gets the message?Collection: Men
One golfer a year is hit by lightning. This may be the only evidence we have of God's existence.Collection: Years
He has been positively growing tusks trying to create a breed of human insect which will continue to live on this accursed planet. Everyone needs a goal.Collection: Hope
We have truth in order not to die of art.Collection: Art
The law is where reality goes to die.Collection: Reality
The most amusing thing about a pantomime horse is the necessity of having to shoot it twice.Collection: Horse
Dreams always end before you kill the last person.Collection: Dream
The great thing about being ignored is that you can speak the truth with impunity.Collection: Being Ignored
Satire works in a bunch of specific ways, like a very precisely-geared bomb. It's a bit like something that looks harmless, and you swallow it, but once it's inside you it's too late, and it triggers, blowing up. And it's your specific inner beliefs and faulty arguments that trigger a satire bomb. If your arguments work, the bomb doesn't trigger, it doesn't need to.Collection: Needs
Biting enemies seems to be acceptable in a surprisingly narrow range of circumstances, or so a ninja shouted at me onceCollection: Enemy
Honesty is the voice that is acceptable in every matter.Collection: Honesty
A society will manufacture an image of progress and locate it in the direction it wishes to take us.Collection: Wish
Let us forget the past - this is the only way to be genuinely surprised.Collection: Past
An office is a machine for dying.Collection: Office
Stab me if you can enjoy it - but not if it feels like a duty. Stab me vertically if I'm lying down and horizontally if I'm runningCollection: Running
It’s a shame, sort of a waste, that most people are influenced by what the newspaper supplements tell them is the book they are meant to be seen reading this year. It seems like those people aren’t really interested in books. If you’re really into books, you havoc all over the place picking up disparate stuff which you devour hungrily, and the ‘selection’ process is more like a sixth sense hunger, a billion miles away from fashion.Collection: Fashion
Fractal litigation, whereby the flapping of a butterfly’s wings on one side of the world resulted in a massive compensation claim on the other.Collection: Butterfly
Since childhood I’d been suspected of imaginationCollection: Imagination
A key and a strangler - this is all a simple tale requires.Collection: Simple