Prince Philip
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.Collection: Marriage
A gun is no more dangerous than a cricket bat in the hands of a madman.
I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.
Everything that wasn't invented by God is invented by an engineer.
If anything, I've thought of myself as Scandinavian. Particularly, Danish. We spoke English at home.
Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.
In the first years of the Queen's reign, the level of adulation - you wouldn't believe it. You really wouldn't.
People can't get their heads round the idea of a species surviving; you know, they're more concerned about how you treat a donkey in Sicily or something.
I am the only man in the country not allowed to give his name to his children.
All these other creatures have an equal right to exist here. We have no prior rights to the Earth than anybody else, and if they're here, let's give them a chance to survive.
We don't come to Canada for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves.
Everyone has to have a sense of duty. A duty to society, to their family. I mean, you name it.
I can't remember names and things.
It's better to get out before you reach the sell-by date.
The man who invented the red carpet needed his head examined.
You don't really want nonagenarians as heads of organisations which are trying to do something useful.
You can't just decide you want to do this or that. You have to be invited.
I didn't want to be president of the World Wildlife Fund. I was asked to do it. I'd much rather have stayed in the navy, frankly.
There was no precedent. If I asked somebody, 'What do you expect me to do?' they all looked blank. They had no idea; nobody had much idea.
I had been playing polo, and I decided to give up at the age of 50.
I have frequently been misrepresented. I don't hate the press; I find a lot of it is very unpalatable.
I reckon I've done my bit. I want to enjoy myself a bit now, with less responsibility, less frantic rushing about, less preparation, less trying to think of something to say.
It would have been very easy to play to the gallery, but I took a conscious decision not to do that. Safer not to be too popular. You can't fall too far.
Occasionally I get fed up, going to visit a factory, when I am being shown around by the chairman, who clearly hasn't got a clue, and I try to get hold of the factory manager, but I can't because the chairman wants to make sure he's the one in all the photographs.
It's much better to go when you are still capable than wait until people say you're so doddery it's time you went.
If I were reincarnated I would wish to be returned to Earth as a killer virus to lower human population levels.Collection: Ebola
If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it.Collection: Wings
Cannibalism is a radical but realistic solution to the problem of overpopulation.Collection: Cannibalism
People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.Collection: Girl
I would like to go to Russia very much — although the bastards murdered half my family.Collection: Russia
It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.Collection: Country
Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I've practised for many years.Collection: Years
Human population growth is probably the single most serious long-term threat to survival. We're in for a major disaster if it isn't curbed...We have no option. If it isn't controlled voluntarily, it will be controlled involuntarily by an increase in disease, starvation and war.Collection: War
Do you still throw spears at each other?Collection: Edinburgh
I just wonder what it would be like to be reincarnated in an animal whose species had been so reduced in numbers than it was in danger of extinction. What would be its feelings toward the human species whose population explosion had denied it somewhere to exist. I must confess that I am tempted to ask for reincarnation as a particularly deadly virus.Collection: Animal
If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.Collection: Edinburgh
I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer.Collection: Beer
Change does not change tradition, it strengthens it. Change is a challenge and anopportunity, not a threat.Collection: Change
My favourite subject at school was avoiding unnecessary work.Collection: School
If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she isn't interested.Collection: Hay
[after accepting a gift from a Kenyan woman] You are a woman, aren't you?Collection: Classic
It's my custom to say something flattering to begin with so I shall be excused if I put my foot in it later on.Collection: Feet
The conservation of nature, the proper care for the human environment and a general concern for the long-term future of the whole of our planet are absolutely vital if future generations are to have a chance to enjoy their existence on this earth.Collection: Nature
I've never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.Collection: Talking
As so often happens, I discover that it would have been better to keep my mouth shut.Collection: Communication
So who's on drugs here?... He looks as if he's on drugs.Collection: Drug
It makes you all look like Dracula's daughters!Collection: Daughter
They're a damn nuisance - I've got one in my bathroom and every time I run my bath the steam sets it off.Collection: Running
If anyone has a new idea in this country, there are twice as many people who keep putting a man with a red flag in front of it.Collection: Country
In the days when the nation depended on agriculture for its wealth it made the Lord Chancellor sit on a woolsack to remind him where the wealth came from. I would like to suggest we remove that now and make him sit on a crate of machine tools.Collection: Agriculture