Michael R. Burch
Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it's far too long for him to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According to Trump. It reads: "I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End."Collection: Long
Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?Collection: Christian
Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?Collection: Taken
If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.Collection: Soul
Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.Collection: Believe
Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.Collection: Sticks
It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!Collection: Two
When I was being bullied, I had to learn not to judge myself by the opinions of intolerant morons. Then I felt much better.Collection: Judging
It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.Collection: Fall
C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his clothing lines.Collection: Kids
What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast.Collection: Ass
What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.Collection: Running
Donald Trump just announced that if Republicans don't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.Collection: Running
Trump's last name is an omen that he'll win the Republican nomination, since "trump" means "triumph." One might suggest that this will constitute the triumph of insanity over reason, except that none of the other Republican candidates make any sense either. Trump just makes them seem less crazy by comparison.Collection: Crazy
Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't his claim to fame firing people?Collection: Jobs
There's no better tonic for other people's bad ideas, than to think for oneself.Collection: Thinking
If God is good half the Bible is libel.Collection: Half
If every witty thing that's said was true, Oscar Wilde, the world would worship You!Collection: Witty
The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; this explains why he can't relate to other people.Collection: People
Life's saving graces are love, pleasure, laughter ... wisdom, it seems, is for the Hereafter.Collection: Laughter
Donald Trump just pledged to be loyal to the Green Party, the Communist Party and Party Central, as long as they agree to be nice to that thing on his head. If not, all bets are off.Collection: Nice
Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.Collection: Husband
Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies and busted so many companies that his children now have receding heir lines.Collection: Children
Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.Collection: Wigs
Toupée or not toupée for professional government: that is the hair-raising question created by Donald Trump's candidacy.Collection: Hair
These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.Collection: Prophet
President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by you-know-who.Collection: President
I lived as best I could, and then I died. Be careful where you step: the grave is wide.Collection: Political
Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.Collection: People
Perhaps love doesn't make the world go round, but it makes the bumpy ride worthwhile and provides a glorious destination.Collection: Perhaps Love
Love is either wholly folly, or fully holy.Collection: Love Is
Hell hath no fury like a frustrated fundamentalist whose God condemned him to "hell" for having "impure thoughts."Collection: Hell Hath No Fury
How can the Bible be "infallible" when from Genesis to Revelation slavery is commanded and condoned, but never condemned?Collection: Slavery
Every political card played by Jeb Bush has been Trumped; every political note played by The Donald has been Trumpeted.Collection: Political
Abbesses' recesses are not for excesses!Collection: Excess
When Donald Trump becomes president, he'll fly on a jumbo jet rebadged Hair Force One. It will be oversized to contain his massive ego, and will have all the latest and greatest blowdryer technology.Collection: Technology
Epigrams delight us into wisdom.Collection: Delight
Trump has officially changed his name to Ronald because he's such a clown, and in sympathy his toupée is changing its name to Bozo.Collection: Names
Donald Trump isn't really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired.Collection: Running
Donald Trump's hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector, and has no worries about being upstaged.Collection: Running
Rand Paul tried hard to upstage Donald Trump at the first debate, talking tough about his guns and his right not to register them. But with his pixie-ish perm, Paul does not impress me as the gunslinger type. Rand Paul is the RuPaul of politics. He would do better to defend his right to carry an unregistered blow-dryer and curling irons.Collection: Blow
The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was "We shall overcome!" Donald Trump's new campaign slogan is "We shall overcomb!"Collection: Rights
Even Donald Trump's hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbedCollection: Support