Mallory Ortberg
It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!Collection: Return
If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.Collection: Sorry
There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.Collection: Firsts
Anyone who thinks it’s funny to name their network "Tom’sHugeEtc" is going to think it’s funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.Collection: Thinking
Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian.Collection: Uncomfortable
You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.Collection: Recovery
The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.Collection: Ideas
If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.Collection: Husband
If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, "Please don't touch me" should get them to stop.Collection: Permission
If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.Collection: Nice
We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.Collection: Sometimes
Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.Collection: Reading
It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.Collection: Sex
One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.Collection: Worry
In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a "healthy lifestyle" in order to rent property.Collection: America
You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.Collection: Wish
Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.Collection: People
Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.Collection: Worry
Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.Collection: Rude
It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.Collection: Support
You may not be able to convince everyone around you that you're doing the right thing, but you don't have to subject yourself to endless second-guessing from others, either.Collection: Guessing
I'm of the belief that dating "potential" is almost always an exercise in frustration.Collection: Exercise
You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them.Collection: Feelings
o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they’re perfectly justified in saying no if they don’t have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.Collection: People
The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.Collection: Facts
There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.Collection: Children
You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.Collection: Jobs
I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.Collection: Dream
I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about; there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.Collection: Crush
Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over; let them go.Collection: Dream
Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.Collection: Kindness
I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.Collection: Memories
I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.Collection: Sex
I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.Collection: Hate
Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.Collection: Giving
A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It.Collection: Children
Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.Collection: Sexy