Louis C. K.

Image of Louis C. K.
I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.
- Louis C. K.
Image of Louis C. K.
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.
- Louis C. K.
Image of Louis C. K.
I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.
- Louis C. K.
Image of Louis C. K.
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
- Louis C. K.
Image of Louis C. K.
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Funny
Image of Louis C. K.
When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Broken Heart
Image of Louis C. K.
I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Belief
Image of Louis C. K.
I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Inspirational
Image of Louis C. K.
When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: President
Image of Louis C. K.
Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Love Is
Image of Louis C. K.
The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Children
Image of Louis C. K.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Funny
Image of Louis C. K.
Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Thinking
Image of Louis C. K.
If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Disappointment
Image of Louis C. K.
You know what, it's not your life, it's life. Life is bigger than you, if you can imagine that. Life isn't something that you possess, it's something that you take part in and witness.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Life Is
Image of Louis C. K.
If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Thinking
Image of Louis C. K.
How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women... You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Women
Image of Louis C. K.
There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Funny
Image of Louis C. K.
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Funny
Image of Louis C. K.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Education
Image of Louis C. K.
People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Inspirational
Image of Louis C. K.
If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Believe
Image of Louis C. K.
The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Kindness
Image of Louis C. K.
Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Baseball
Image of Louis C. K.
[about being a father] I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Dad
Image of Louis C. K.
You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Thinking
Image of Louis C. K.
I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities. Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'
- Louis C. K.
Collection: New York
Image of Louis C. K.
My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Kids
Image of Louis C. K.
I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Thinking
Image of Louis C. K.
Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Long Ago
Image of Louis C. K.
People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Inspirational
Image of Louis C. K.
I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Funny
Image of Louis C. K.
Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Love
Image of Louis C. K.
I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, “This can't be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Real
Image of Louis C. K.
Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Self
Image of Louis C. K.
The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Country
Image of Louis C. K.
Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Editors
Image of Louis C. K.
Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Imaginary
Image of Louis C. K.
Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Sex
Image of Louis C. K.
It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Dog
Image of Louis C. K.
Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people used to define that. Is black your experience or the color of your skin? My experience is as a Mexican immigrant, more so than someone like George Lopez. He's from California. But he'll be treated as an immigrant. I am an outsider. My abuelita, my grandmother, didn't speak English. My whole family on my dad's side is in Mexico. I won't ever be called that or treated that way, but it was my experience.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Dad
Image of Louis C. K.
People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Thinking
Image of Louis C. K.
Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Graduation
Image of Louis C. K.
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Children
Image of Louis C. K.
Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Graduation
Image of Louis C. K.
I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Funny
Image of Louis C. K.
I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Who I Am
Image of Louis C. K.
One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Funny
Image of Louis C. K.
I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn't resting and it isn't doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks.
- Louis C. K.
Collection: Hurt