Jimmy Carr
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.Collection: Funny
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.Collection: Funny
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?Collection: Funny
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.Collection: Coffee
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.Collection: Thinking
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.Collection: Funny
Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.Collection: Wife
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'Collection: Funny
I pay what I have to and not a penny more.Collection: Pay
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.Collection: Funny
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.Collection: Funny
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.Collection: Funny
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"Collection: Funny
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.Collection: Funny
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.Collection: Cat
When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!Collection: People
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.Collection: Funny
Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!Collection: Years
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. RohypnolCollection: Funny
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked itCollection: Funny
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.Collection: Funny
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.Collection: Thinking
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."Collection: Funny
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.Collection: Funny
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.Collection: People
How many airports are there in the world?Collection: Airports
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?Collection: Funny
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.Collection: Funny
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."Collection: Funny
I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.Collection: Laughing
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?Collection: Funny
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.Collection: Funny
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.Collection: Funny
I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.Collection: Class
Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.Collection: Funny
I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.Collection: Thinking
I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.Collection: Funny
When someone close to you dies, move seats.Collection: Funny
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"Collection: Funny
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.Collection: Funny
I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.Collection: Fall
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.Collection: Successful
Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.Collection: Funny
But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.Collection: Overwhelming Desire
I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.Collection: Writing
All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.Collection: Comedian
I’m obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.Collection: Reading
I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don’t do that, I tell jokes – the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.Collection: Stories