Jim Gaffigan
I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."Collection: Funny
People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."Collection: Funny
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.Collection: Funny
Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!Collection: Games
My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.Collection: Ideas
People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.Collection: Grateful
I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."Collection: World
"I got up early because I wanted to." - NobodyCollection: Funny
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.Collection: Who I Am
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."Collection: Funny
I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.Collection: Research
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?Collection: Healthy
Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"Collection: Smell
I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.Collection: Epidemics
I've had plenty of friends tell me that their first time doing stand-up, they do well, and then they tank for a while after that. Kind of like the first time you do a drug, you're like, "Huh! This is pretty darn good," and then you spend all your money trying to get the same high.Collection: Drug
The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."Collection: Crazy
I've been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I identify a topic like, say, seafood, which is a big one right now, it's like there are different kinds of tangents I can go on to build a larger chunk.Collection: Thinking
Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you. So I feel like with food, it is a passion of mine. It's where my sensibility rests. I love topics that are universal, and I love stuff that doesn't alienate people.Collection: Writing
I definitely write about things that are universal, that everyone can identify with. You're supposed to write about things you're passionate about and I guess I am a foodie. I do love food and it's kind of like I'm an eccentric observationalist guy. To make it kind of universal, I try a lot of different things. When I first started writing this, I was like, 'No food.' Then, you know, it just always goes there.Collection: Writing
The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.Collection: Talking
I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write.Collection: Writing
If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.Collection: Airplane
Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.Collection: Television
I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to see me in a theater and they want to have their picture taken with me, it's not the end of the world. It's one of those things, where I'm not the only comic who does it. A lot of comics do it. If I'm doing a 4,000-seat venue, it might be a little bit of a different task, but it's all good.Collection: Taken
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."Collection: Funny
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"Collection: Funny
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"Collection: Funny
Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."Collection: Funny
Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.Collection: Funny
That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"Collection: Funny
Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.Collection: Beautiful
Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?Collection: Funny
I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.Collection: Thinking
There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.Collection: People
Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?Collection: Comedian
I think being a doctor is really hard, and it's really this thankless, never-ending job. It's not even that you get done with a project. There are always sick people.Collection: Jobs
I've been outed as a Christian.Collection: Christian
When I'm in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it - it kind of quells my narcissism.Collection: Ideas
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."Collection: Funny
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."Collection: Funny
I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.Collection: Kids
You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.Collection: Funny
I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.Collection: Sexy
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.Collection: Issues
I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"Collection: Funny
My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.Collection: Children
I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family.Collection: Dad
I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?Collection: Catholic
I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or "sit back and wait and let other people do things."Collection: Thinking