Jim Benton
I'm telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There's just no way to really prepare for that.Collection: Tattoo
School prepares you for the real world... which also bites.Collection: Real
Homework strongly indicates that the teachers are not doing their jobs well enough during the school day. It's not like they'll let you bring your home stuff to school and work on it there. You can't say, 'I didn't finish sleeping at home, so I have to work on finishing my sleep here.Collection: Teacher
Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.Collection: Kissing
Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.Collection: Pandas
How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.Collection: Men
My pants cut the cheese. Let one fly. Baked a batch of brownies.Collection: Cutting
Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes. Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off! Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now.Collection: Eye
I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.Collection: Sorry
Love makes the world go 'round but I'm pretty sure money has to do with it, too.Collection: World
never underestimate your dumbness!!Collection: Underestimate
Buy me stuff and I'll be nicerCollection: Stuff
The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.Collection: Art
He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.Collection: Cute
I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.Collection: Labs
This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.Collection: Running