Finley Peter Dunne
There are no friends at cards or world politics.Collection: Politics
Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.Collection: Food
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.Collection: Time
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.Collection: Marriage
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.Collection: Trust
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it.
A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.
There ain't any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.
Don't jump on a man unless he is down.
It don't make much difference what you study, so long as you don't like it.
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.
An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.Collection: Flags
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.Collection: Comfort
No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an' th' other hisses Miscreent ye can bet they're two dimmycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th' gran' ol' party.Collection: Party
Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.Collection: Men
I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.Collection: Get Well Soon
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.Collection: Food
I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.Collection: Business
It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels.Collection: Angel
It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.Collection: Food
A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.Collection: Angel
Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.Collection: Work
High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.Collection: Art
Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while.Collection: Might
What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.Collection: Marriage
Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.Collection: Food
To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable clothes.Collection: Clothes
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.Collection: Opportunity
When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.Collection: Running
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.Collection: Funny
Politics ain't beanbag: 'tis a man's game, and women, children 'n' pro-hy-bitionists had best stay out of it.Collection: Children
No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not, the Supreme Court follows the election returns.Collection: Matter
There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.Collection: Writing
There's always wan encouragin' thing about th' sad scientific facts that come out ivrv week in th' pa-apers. They're usually not thrue.Collection: Science
A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.Collection: War
If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in - if you had a good nurse.Collection: Christian
Meditation is a gift confined to unknown philosophers and cows. Others don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write.Collection: Philosophy
A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him.Collection: Thinking
Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night.Collection: Home
Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.Collection: Men
Continued focus on (employee) turnover is of critical importance, because of the direct relation of turnover to improvements in labor costs and guest satisfaction.Collection: Focus
A man never becomes an orator if he has anything to say.Collection: Men
It must be a good thing to be good or ivrybody wudden't be pretendin' he was.Collection: Hypocrisy
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police.Collection: Men