Sam Ewing
Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.Collection: Marriage
Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.Collection: Work
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.Collection: Age
When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.Collection: Home
Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.Collection: Best
Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.
We are all born into the world with nothing. Everything we acquire after that is profit.
The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
Parents who wonder where the younger generation is going should remember where it came from.
The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.Collection: Love
Don't drive as if you own the road; drive as if you own the car.Collection: Wisdom
If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.Collection: Dollars
The brain is like a TV set; when it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.Collection: Ideas
If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light.Collection: Light
Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.Collection: Home
"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?" "That's because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor.Collection: Doctors
When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.Collection: Mother
Youth is when you think you'll live forever. Old age is when you wonder how you've lived so long.Collection: Thinking
A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in.Collection: Doors
The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor.Collection: Giving
The reason that so many of us cannot save money is because of our friends. They're always buying something we can't afford.Collection: Buying Something
An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.Collection: Experts
Highways are full of careless drivers who are always too close in front of you.Collection: Highways
Life begins as a quest of the child for the man, and ends as a journey by the man to rediscover the child.Collection: Happiness
Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.Collection: Technology
A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.Collection: Flower
Crime in the cities is very discouraging. Apartment house dwellers have locks, bolts, chains and bars on their doors. It takes a tenant longer to get out than a burglar to get in.Collection: Doors
Ever notice that nothing changes the color of paint like putting it on a wall?Collection: Wall
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.Collection: Marriage
Two things help to keep one's job. First, let the boss think he's having his own way. Second, let him have it.Collection: Wisdom
As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.Collection: Children
If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.Collection: Believe
Fashions come and fashions go, but pockets are usually the same. There's little change in them.Collection: Fashion
Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms.Collection: Government
President Herbert Hoover returned his salary to the government. His idea caught on, and now we're all doing it.Collection: Business
Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands - and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.Collection: Holiday
Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.Collection: Insult
When a husband says, "I run things in my home" he may mean the washing machine, the dishwasher and the vacuum cleaner.Collection: Running
I try to figure my adjusted gross income, but no matter how I figure it, it's still gross.Collection: Trying
A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.Collection: Dream
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.Collection: Book
Some people are much like blisters-they don't show up until the work is done.Collection: People
Wouldn't you like to weigh what it says on your driver's license?Collection: Drivers
Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.Collection: Names
Nothing in the world can replace the modern swimsuit, and it practically has.Collection: Swimsuits
On every commercial flight, the traveler is told, "Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device". The question is, why doesn't the plane just become a boat?Collection: Stupidity
The sight of home looks best after you've traveled hundreds of miles to get away from it.Collection: Home
There's no thief like a bad movie.Collection: Thieves