Kin Hubbard
A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.Collection: Thanksgiving
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.Collection: Pet
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.Collection: Business
We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.Collection: Best
After a fellow gets famous it doesn't take long for someone to bob up that used to sit by him in school.Collection: Famous
Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.Collection: Patience
A bee is never as busy as it seems; it's just that it can't buzz any slower.Collection: Nature
There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.Collection: Failure
Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.Collection: Home
Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil.Collection: Peace
If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public.Collection: Government
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.Collection: Happiness
Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.Collection: Change
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.Collection: Music
No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.Collection: Alone
When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money.Collection: Money
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.Collection: Men
Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.Collection: Men
All the world loves a good loser.Collection: Failure
Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.Collection: Life
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.Collection: Money
The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.Collection: Home
Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.Collection: Home
If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.Collection: Smile
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.Collection: Christmas
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you.
If capital and labor ever do get together it's good night for the rest of us.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.
Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.
The world gets better every day - then worse again in the evening.
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.
As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God's path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony: on a day when these things shall be heated in hell-fire, and their foreheads, and their sides, and their backs shall be branded therewith.
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.
There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
Where ignorance is bliss it's foolish to borrow your neighbor's newspaper.
Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.
It's what a fellow thinks he knows that hurts him.
The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.
It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game.
A loafer always has the correct time.
Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.