Joseph Heller
Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window, and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.Collection: Fall
What do you do when it rains?" The captain answered frankly. "I get wet.Collection: Rain
Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.Collection: Hands
They couldn't keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady.Collection: Catch 22 Important
If Richard Nixon was second-rate, what in the world is third-rate?Collection: World
I never even realized I was Jewish until I was practically grown up. Or rather, I used to feel that everybody in the world was Jewish, which amounts to the same thing.Collection: World
If God was dead, how could I feel this bad?Collection: Feels
How did I get here? Somebody pushed me. Somebody must have set me off in this direction and clus-ters of other hands must have touched themselves to the controls at various times, for I would not have picked this way for the world.Collection: Hands
The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.Collection: Strong
I couldn't see much point in tying myself down to a middle-aged woman with four children, even though the woman was my wife and the children were my own.Collection: Marriage
He was never without misery, and never without hope.Collection: Misery
Clevinger was a troublemaker and a wise guy. Lieutenant Scheisskopf knew that Clevinger might cause even more trouble if he wasn't watched. Yesterday it was the cadet officers; tomorrow it might be the world. Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskopf had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. Such men were dangerous, and even the new cadet officers whom Clevinger had helped into office were eager to give damning testimony against him. The case against Clevinger was open and shut. The only thing missing was something to charge him with.Collection: Wise
Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.Collection: Wells
Someone had to do something sometime. Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all.Collection: Trying
When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective.Collection: People
The smartest people in Washington are the political reporters. They write about their inferiors.Collection: Writing
Let's take a drive into the middle of nowhere with a packet of Marlboro lights and talk about our lives.Collection: Light
All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.Collection: Stars
When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don't see heaven or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human tragedy.Collection: Angel
Sure, that's what I mean,' Doc Daneeka said. 'A little grease is what makes this world go round. One hand washes the other. Know what I mean? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' Yossarian knew what he meant. That's not what I meant,' Doc Daneeka said, as Yossarian began scratching his back.Collection: Mean
But how can one be warm alone?Collection: Bible
The frog is almost five hundred million years old. Could you really say with much certainty that America, with all its strength and prosperity, with its fighting man that is second to none, and with its standard of living that is highest in the world, will last as long as...the frog?Collection: Fighting
There is no disappointment so numbing...as someone no better than you achieving more.Collection: Disappointment
Now you've given them hope, and they're unhappy. So the blame is all yours.Collection: Unhappy
There was only one catch and that was catch 22Collection: Catch 22 Important
... there is wisdom in madness and strong probability of truth in all accusations, for people are complete, and everyone is capable of everything.Collection: Strong
Everything passes. (That's what makes it endurable.)Collection: Endurance
Be glad you're even alive.' Be furious you're going to die.Collection: Alive
I think that maybe in every company today there is always at least one person who is going crazy slowly.Collection: Business
I’m cold,' Snowden said softly, 'I’m cold.' 'You’re going to be all right, kid,' Yossarian reassured him with a grin. 'You’re going to be all right.' 'I’m cold,' Snowden said again in a frail, childlike voice. 'I’m cold.' 'There, there,' Yossarian said, because he did not know what else to say. 'There, there.' 'I’m cold,' Snowden whimpered. 'I’m cold.' 'There, there. There, there.Collection: Kids
Everybody is as unstable as water.Collection: Water
Yossarian was cold, too, and shivering uncontrollably. He felt goose pimples clacking all over him as he gazed down despondently at the grim secret Snowden had spilled all over the messy floor. It was easy to read the message in his entrails. Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all. I'm cold,' Snowden said. 'I'm cold.Collection: Fall
Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out.Collection: War
Hasn't it ever occurred to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconscious fears of sexual impotence?" "Yes, sir, it has." "Then why do you do it?" "To assuage my fears of sexual impotence.Collection: Trying
Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to ask questions were those who never did.Collection: People
I’m not running away from my responsibilities. I’m running to them. There’s nothing negative about running away to save my life.Collection: Running
They're trying to kill me," Yossarian told him calmly. No one's trying to kill you," Clevinger cried. Then why are they shooting at me?" Yossarian asked. They're shooting at everyone," Clevinger answered. "They're trying to kill everyone." And what difference does that make?Collection: Differences
The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him.Collection: Three
I can't start writing until I have a closing line.Collection: Writing
From now on I'm thinking only of me." Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile: "But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way." "Then," said Yossarian, "I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?Collection: Thinking
...[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for.Collection: Dying
It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.Collection: War
Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.Collection: Funny
What is a country? A country is a piece of land surrounded on all sides by boundaries, usually unnatural. Englishmen are dying for England, Americans are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can't all be worth dying for.Collection: Country
The night was full of horrors, and he thought he knew how Christ must have felt as he walked through the world, like a psychiatrist through a ward full of nuts.Collection: Night
From men motivated by moral certitude, history teaches, no lasting good ever comes.Collection: Men
Major Major had lied, and it was good. He was not really surprised that it was good, for he had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie.Collection: Lying
You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate." "Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously.Collection: Hate
Remember that everyone deserves some fun during working hours.Collection: Leadership