Ian Holloway
To put it in gentleman's terms if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good looking and some weeks they're not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee.Collection: Football
Managing a league club is like making love to a mermaid... you should always be aiming for a top half finishCollection: League
I don’t see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal? They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too. I suppose that's one of the main reasons women come to football games, to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they’d have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin.Collection: Football
If I fell into a barrel of boobs, I'd come out sucking my thumbCollection: Thumbs
If you're a burglar, it's no good waiting about outside somebody's house, looking good with your swag bag ready. Just get in there, burgle them and come out. I don't advocate that obviously, it's just an analogy.Collection: Swag
I love Blackpool. We're very similar. We both look better in the dark.Collection: Football
Every dog has its day - and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark.Collection: Football
Sometimes when you aim for the stars, you hit the moon.Collection: Stars
I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season!Collection: Football
I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week playing some of the best football I've ever seen and yet they couldn't have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets!Collection: Football
You never count your chickens before they hatch. I used to keep parakeets and I never counted every egg thinking I would get all eight birds. You just hoped they came out of the nest box looking all right. I'm like a swan at the moment. I look fine on top of the water but under the water my little legs are going mad.Collection: Football
It's all very well having a great pianist playing but it's no good if you haven't got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.Collection: Football
My old trainer used to tell us not to blast, but to caress the ball whenever we took possession. If the ball were a woman... she would be spending all night with Berbatov.Collection: Night
He's going to be what?! Oh for God's sake. Sir David Beckham? You're having a laugh. He's just a good footballer with a famous bird.Collection: Laughing
You can say that strikers are very much like postmen: they have to get in and out as quick as they can before the dog starts to have a go.Collection: Football
Roy Keane's like a shark. He has those eyes. You don't know if he is going to buy you a drink or eat you.Collection: Eye
My wife runs the house much better than I could so I think she could be a linesman or a referee or even a football manager and that's the truth.Collection: Football
I might be in a bit of a Skoda garage rather than a Mercedes garage, but I am telling you some old bangers don't half polish up great.Collection: Football
In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right. One little bit of ingredient that Tony uses in his cake that gets talked about all the time is Rory's throw. Call that cinnamon and he's got a cinnamon flavoured cake.Collection: Football
I am more than happy at Blackpool and I am afraid the chairman will need a hell of a tub of cream to get rid of me - I'm like a bad rash and not easily curable.Collection: Football
This club needs an impetus of energy - but I just feel tired to be honest. I'm worn out.Collection: Football
Sepp Blatter and all of them lot Mr Platini I know he was a good player but he aint very good at what he does, I don’t think. I think he’s useless you can quote me on that.Collection: Thinking
It was lucky that the linesman wasn't stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake.Collection: Football
I've got four women in my house - my wife and my three daughters - and I tell you what, it's pretty scary. I keep my head down and if we're out shopping I try and look in a man's shop while they make their minds up.Collection: Daughter
Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings.Collection: Football
My ceiling's broken, my car's got a puncture and we've just lost two matches. But I've got my health and I'll ask the big man upstairs why he didn't give us a point.Collection: Men
There was a spell in the second half when I took my heart off my sleeve and put it in my mouth.Collection: Football
I feel like a steaming cow-pat - or a car that's clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey.Collection: Journey
The dietician is going to get rid of that when he comes in. Although, first, we've got to get a dietician.Collection: Football
I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear.Collection: Kings
Apparently it’s my fault that the Titanic sank.Collection: Faults