Elayne Boosler
I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two.
Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.
While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.
We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.
Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.
Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.'
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.
Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy.
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'Collection: Funny
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.Collection: Baby
Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.Collection: Sex
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.Collection: Men
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.Collection: Mother
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.Collection: School
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.Collection: Funny Love
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.Collection: Mean
President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!Collection: Hunting
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?Collection: Long
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?Collection: Night
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.Collection: Cute
The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."Collection: Heartache
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.Collection: Love
Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.Collection: Citizens
I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.Collection: Intelligent
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?Collection: Sex
People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.Collection: Sex
I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.Collection: Mother
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.Collection: Sports
Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper.Collection: Animal
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.Collection: Rip
I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.Collection: Weekend
You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number.Collection: Love
Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.Collection: Party
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.Collection: Shopping
Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.Collection: Inspirational
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.Collection: Dog
I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.Collection: School
Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.Collection: Healing
As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it's incumbent upon every citizen to participate in this government in any way we can.Collection: Government
Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.Collection: Animal